Wolf Gnards

From Gabe:

I have a topic I was wondering if you could tackle, though.  Specifically: (how) is it possible that computer technology in 1996 could have infiltrated and infected the aliens’ technology to defeat them [in the movie Independence Day]?  Was it advanced enough at that time for that task?  Thanks so much for your time and I look forward to future articles!

The Independence Day plan hinged on 1. Fixing alien technology 2. Flying alien technology into outer space (complete with chairs made for human butts) 3. Docking with the alien mothership 4. Beaming a virus onto alien mothership. 5. Then escape from exploding alien mothership. There are a great number of assumptions that go into this plan, the least of which were the technologies matching up. You have to assume the spaceship is in working condition and is space worthy. This was the Roswell crash ship, so you would think that it crashed for a reason (plus fiery crashes usually have adverse effects on things). You have to also assume the mothership would be eager to tractor beam in any old passing ship. And you have to assume that not only the mothership had Wi-Fi, but they forgot to switch on the password protection. Yes, they used our satellites, but why would we assume beaming a code to them would be an option? And of course they forgot to install their alien Norton’s. But besides all that it’s a perfect plan.

As to the technology behind the daring-dos of Independence Day, there are three possible explanations.

Computers Come From Aliens

A PC can communicate with alien ship because a PC is alien technology. Let’s follow this conspiracy theory white rabbit as far as it can go. The famous Roswell crash happened in 1947, and while super computers using vacuum tubes were around in the early 40’s, superior transistor and microchip technology wasn’t around until the 60’s and 70’s. Aliens! In fact, one of the first working transistors was developed in 1947… coincidence? Of course, but I’m willing to except it. The problem is less about the hardware than the software. As far as I know, we don’t code in alien languages. Now you can simplify everything and just say that binary code and math is a universal language, but we have ones and zeroes and aliens could have gleepglops and meatzorps. Might not mesh, luckily the aliens were also running windows. Yes, Bill Gates stole Windows not from Apple but from Area 51.

It’s an Alien Virus

We assume that we made the virus, that a hand full of nerds managed to code a massive alien computer virus in a few hours, but it’s more likely the virus is alien in origin. The Roswell ship malfunctioned for a reason, right? The aliens were probably downloading some hot alien porn (Check out the forums already devoted to Avatar’s Neytiri), and picked up some alien spam that crashed their system. They did need to get worked up after all for all that farm boy anal probing. All we needed to do was isolate an already existing virus on a ship we had 50 years to play with, and spread it to the other alien ships, most likely in an email titled “You’ve inherited a large sum of money from a dead uncle who is totally not an earthing on a suicide mission, but a real alien like yourself.” Works every time.

It’s Jeff Goldblum!

Mission accomplished. That’s all you need to say: Jeff Goldblum. It’s like saying McGyver in the 80’s. The Independence Day script ended: And then Jeff Goldblum Jeff Goldblummed the hell out of it, Will Smith lights cigar… The End. We know Jeff Goldblum is the world’s best scientist… in movies, whatever wacky plan he comes up with will work. In cinema, Einstein’s formula is E=mc^Goldblum. The world didn’t fight for its independence, Jeff Goldblum Jeff Goldblummed for his Jeff Goldblum. Goldblum!