Wolf Gnards

In my brief Topanga diatribe, someone brought up a very good point. J.M.S. Esq. said, “The most striking thing about Ms. Fishel is her prominent — aggressive, even — bosom. Where the female romantic leads on other teen sitcoms like the Wonder Years and Saved By The Bell were pre-pubescent cute or that asexual acne-medication-commercial attractive, Topanga was a big breasted earth mother of a crush.”

This is a very good point because Topanga’s “aggressive bosom” does seem to go against everything a teen comedy or drama stands for. However, let us remember that Topanga started out as a regular little girl no aggressiveness to speak of, unless network execs measured both her mother’s and paternal grandmother’s bras they would have no way of knowing what they’ve gotten themselves into. Just as young actors can age out of parts, they can grow out of roles as well, and Topanga is a prime example of what is more commonly referred to as the Punky Brewster Paradox or the MMPTB (Massively Massive Pre-Teen Boobs). Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye grew not only out of most teenage roles, but out of adult movie roles as well.

The problem is large breasts on shows geared for the 13 and under segment are just confusing for everyone. These kids past breast feeding, but not quite ready to do anything else with breasts. However, ratings require that sexy thoughts are had by all: prepubescent lads coming into their own, pervy old men, and both good girls looking to be sluttier and slutty girls looking to be gooder (yes, gooder). It’s a Catch-22, you can’t get the boys with out the girls watching, you can’t get the girls watching without older pervs watching, and you can’t get the pervs without the young boys. To accomplish this, network executives simply take a young looking nymphet, tart her up, put her in a compromising situation or two, and all the while retaining a virginal under tone (notice the purity ring, that means she’s Disney approved).

A simple formula for casting a teen drama, comedy, or the ever increasingly syrupy sweet dramedy goes as follows: Teenage girl plus wholesome back story multiplied by skimpy outfits divided by breast size.

Or

(t+w)s/80085

Teen plus scandalous background times prime and proper clothing divided by breast size, also, works.

Follow up:

Which brings us to the lovely Ms. Kelly Kapowski. Kelly doesn’t fit into our regular description of geek love because she’s too much California girl next door combined with loads of jock appeal. However, she does represent the perfect body type for any syndicated teenage fodder. Hot but almost androgynous. Plus, in all my many nerd dealings, I keep running across these photos and I would be reminisced not to share them with the world.

For some reason, their mere existence just seem so disturbing to me. Why would NBC keep them or distribute them? I mean I had trouble finding Punky Brewster breast photos because I’m pretty sure Frye had them all deleted from existence. So, why are these so readily available? What was even the purpose behind this photo shoot?

Something obviously got a little out of hand at this photo shoot for Teen NBC? I think we all know what’s very wrong with these photos… what’s with the high waisted jeans? They’re coming up and going down, her pants are all over the map.

I believe these are publicity shots for the Saved by the Bell all girl group Hot Sundae (Mind to it, go for it/ Get down and break a sweat/ Rock and roll you ain’t seen nothin’ yet/ Get down and go for it!). It’s good to see hot sundaes are still popular at the local prison yard, which is were you’d be if you tried to pull anything with Kelly Kapowski.