Wolf Gnards

Check out the Futurama Bender Computer Case on Tenezo. This Bender can’t drink, or smoke, but he can play DVD’s through his teeth, and that’s not bad. Plus, how many people can say they own a genuine Bending Unit?

In other news…

Speaking of Jurassic Park’s ending, how would you like some hardcore Jurassic Park Erotica? Goes to show all fan fiction eventually becomes porn, even dinosaur fan fiction.

Star Wars ASCIImation… it’s kind of hard to tell Darth Vader from C-3PO in ASCII form, kind of sad.

Maid Cafe… Why? Who knows why, I’m just glad some horny Japanese nerd thought of it. Japanese push the limits of technology and horniness. Nobody does it better.

And for some reason Tokyo Eye gets their background from 1970’s porn.

Fried eggs on a stick. They say it’s a fail, I say it’s a win. I liked fried eggs. I like pancakes. I like sticks. I don’t see what’s wrong with any of that. via Fail Foods

Andrew from Akron asks:

My Dear Wolf Nards,
I’ve always been bugged by the ending of Jurassic Park, how did the T-Rex get into the discovery center? I’ve looked at it from every angle and there wasn’t a door big enough for a tyrannosaurus.

When we first saw Jurassic Park and the T-Rex came out of no where to kill the Velociraptor at the end, we all thought the same thing… awesome. It was just that, not much more thought went into it. Upon a thousand viewings later though questions like these start to crop up. Interestingly, this wasn’t the original ending of the film. The original draft of the script had Alan Grant fighting off the raptors with a mechanized tyrannosaurus skeleton. Spielberg deemed that ending too unbelievable and very a good call on his part.

We all like to poke holes in great movies, this site is based on nothing but that, and Jurassic Park in no exception. Cracked had a similar dilemma with the the ending of Jurassic Park, their beef being that suddenly in the waning moments of the film T-Rex miraculously becomes a silent ninja. But not only does the T-Rex need to become a silent killer, but it needs to get into the guest center first. We’re dealing with a 20 ft high tyrannosaurus and a 7 ft door. Either it destroys the door trying to get in or gets its head stuck trying.

Here are just a few of the most likely scenarios:

Through a Window

The Tyrannosaurus Rex could have crashed through any number of glass windows. The Discovery Center looks like it’s 80% glass. Plus there’s a good chance that either John Hammond or Newman had a pie cooling on the windowsill at the time.

Dinosaur Shaped Door or Hole

The Jurassic Park Discovery Center is a pretty big building with presumably some sort of loading dock and doors big enough to fit any number of dinosaurs. T-Rex just needs to go through the loading dock, through the warehouse, up an elevator, past the office staff cubicles, past the vending machines, down some stairs, through the tourist displays, and BAM at the front door.

Like a Rat

And it may not even need to be a big hole to crawl though. Rats can fit through holes the size of quarters, perhaps a particularly nibble and flexible Tyrannosaurus Rex can fit through a hole the size of a basketball. Not knowing their exact physiology in nature limits what we can expect them to do. So, next time you hear something scratching around in the walls, it just may be a T-Rex.

The T-Rex was Always There

It was one of the hatched eggs from the beginning of the movie. It hatched, lived, and grew over the course of the two days. It didn’t need to sneak into the guest center because it was always in the guest center. It’s like that urban legend: The call from the T-Rex is coming from inside the house.

Through the Pipes

A facility with all the major problems of a theme park and a zoo probably has one hell of a sewer system. The Tyrannosaurus could have made its way through the underground pipes just like Mario. A Dig Dug analogy can also work. And if it couldn’t go under, perhaps it could go over…

Flew Over Center by Jet Plane

T-Rex has a need, a need for speed. And after flying the jet over the Discovery Center, the T-Rex will consequentially…

Parachuted In

A hang glider or da Vinci plane could also work in a pinch.

Tyrannosaurus Teleported Inside

T-Rex either used a Star Trek teleporter pad or it had a latent mutant ability like Nightcrawler. Think of it less of dinosaur or more of a mutant frog. All it needs to do is separate its molecules one at a time and resemble them on the other side of the wall.

Through the Looking Glass

Why teleport when a convenient worm hole is readily available? T-Rex obviously made it in the same way Alice made it to Wonderland. It doesn’t have to just be a magic mirror either, any kind of worm hole or space/time anomalies will do.

Shrink Ray

If Rick Moranis is not available (and who are we kidding… he’s available), a “drink me” bottle from an early visit from Wonderland would do. A shrunken T-Rex could easily waltz right in, the only problem is finding some sort of re-bigulator on the other side.

The Power of Christ

All you need is a little faith in the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Jeff Goldblum Did It

I don’t know how he did it, but somehow, someway Jeff Goldblum was involved in getting that T-Rex through the door. Goldblum represents the finest in movie scientist, and let’s not forget he once even managed to hack alien technology. If anyone can figure out how to get a 20 ft dinosaur through a 7 ft door, it’s Jeff Goldblum. Instead of thinking of the T-Rex saving Grant, the kids, and Laura Dern (and her short shorts), you can think of Jeff Goldblum saving them. He picked that raptor up in his powerful Jeff Goldblum jaws just in the nick of time.

A little something to warm you up on those cold Klingon nights. Started at the 1999 Dragon*Con in Atlanta, The Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant brings together the model of Klingon loveliness from across the country. And perhaps, just perhaps, the idea Klingon female form is a little different from Earth standard… but who are we to judge? Bottom line: Worf likes him some junk in the trunk, and some junk above the trunk, and around the trunk… he just likes a lot junk everywhere, and who can blame him?

The contestants are judged on beauty, talent, and personality. Klingon talents are preferred, as long as it doesn’t endanger the contestants, the audience, or the “celebrity” judges. The last thing we need is a bloody bat’leth and a room full of dead nerds.

Miss Klingon Empire 1999
“Gunner H’nter”
Wants world peace through blunt force trauma.

Miss Klingon Empire 2000
“Ambassador K’Zeyhta”
Believes charity work is a dish best served cold.

Miss Klingon Empire 2001
“QeqiVah sutai-Lorenssith”
Enjoys long walks on the battlefield.

Miss Klingon Empire 2002
“Ruthar Sutai-Lorenssith”
Can’t find the Klingon home world on a map, but can find your face with her fist.

Miss Klingon Empire 2003
“Ma’Jon of the Clan IpaQ”
Wants a return to traditional family values… like stabbing.

Miss Klingon Empire 2004
“KheTara sutai-Lorenssith”
Wants to promote a better life for our children by killing more.

Miss Klingon Empire 2005
“Kita’ sutai-Juriss”
Considers herself a giver, a giver of pain.

Miss Klingon Empire 2006
“Rok’ela DevnoH”
Likes to relax with blood wine, Klingon opera, and breaking bones.

Miss Klingon Empire 2007
“VarkNa B’traughh”
Spare the phaser, spoil the child.

Miss Klingon Empire 2008
“Nej Vestai Le’nIvnav”
Worf… good. Me… Worf… like.

Miss Klingon Empire 2009
“Warrior Ariam”
Her biggest strength: Torturing with painsticks.
Biggest weakness: She cares too much about torturing with painsticks.

By the looks of things, I think the contest could use some young blood. If you’re a comely Klingon lass in the Atlanta area, join up because you can sweep the competition. You’ll probably even get to make out with the likes of Robert Picardo or LeVar Burton or Robert Picardo… no, not doing it for you? Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk).

Note:
In accordance with Robert Picardo’s representatives, we have removed a link to Mr. Picardo’s official website. Mr. Picardo DOES NOT endorse this post, this website, or to Wolf Gnards’ knowledge any Star Trek tribute. This blog DOES NOT have prior knowledge of or endorse any sort of intimate relationship with Mr. Picardo (be it sexual, drunk, or otherwise).

Further discussion can be found at our formal apology to Robert Picardo.

With an all new Spider-man movie on the horizon, we get to go back to the age old debate of mechanical web-shooters vs organic web-shooters. With a second chance, do film makers go with the new or return to the old? Ten years ago the idea of anything but Spidey’s mechanical web-shooters was blasphemy—something of venomous debate, at the least—but three Spider-Man films later (two of them good), and it really turned into something of a non-issue. The casual moviegoer just cares that Spider-man is web slinging and swinging around town, and not so much how he’s slinging.

Oh, just thinking of it makes me want to strap on my web-shooters and swing like I’ve never swung before, swing, swing, SWING, feel the wind through my hair… No, no, back to web-shooters.

Mechanical Web-Shooters

Mechanical web-shooters are the standard for all web-shooters. As a kid, I must admit that I didn’t understand if Peter Parker had spider powers why did he need a device to shoot webs. The reason it’s a mechanical device is because spider’s in nature do not shoot webs, they spin webs much the same way your grandmother knits a horrible Christmas Sweater. The original idea Marvel was to shoot webs at bad guys, and in the first design by Jack Kirby, Spider-man had a web gun (he also had a web shield and was a little more than a Captain AmeriSpider). Steve Ditko changed the design to the wrist mounted web shooters we all know and love, why? Because it’s cool, that’s why. And also because if a Batman has cool gadgets, surely a Spider-man would have gadgets just as cool.

How do they work? Spider-Man’s web-shooters are steel bracelets with a trigger on the palm that releases a pressurized stream of web fluid. Typically held in tiny web cartridges, all of which conveniently fit under his form fitting Spider-Man costume. The trigger is pressure gauged for his two fingers and that’s why he does his little devil horns. This is so Spidey can make a fist and open doors and go to the bathroom without getting webs everywhere. Although a pressure spring shouldn’t really be able to tell the difference between 65 pounds of pressure from two fingers or four fingers or leaning against a wall. The trigger causes web fluid to spray, becoming a hardened sticky string with exposure to air. Web fluid being a synthetic polymer adhesive not entirely unlike nylon, and its this web fluid that will eventually lead to creation of organic web shooters.

Organic Web-Shooters

Back in days of yore, around 1991, James Cameron and Co. came up with the legendary “scriptment” that contained the now infamous “organic web-shooters.” Cameron might not have come up with the idea, but it was his will and fame that kept it in script after script until Sam Raimi arrived on the scene. The idea was that it’s simply unbelievable for a high school student (as nerdy and science clubby as Peter Parker may be) to invent anything even remotely resembling the web fluid. It was Raimi’s belief that if an actual scientist can’t make web fluid then Parker would have no chance. So, instead of inventing a device, Peter mutated spinnerets in his forearms.

This is just another classic example of screenwriters thinking they’re better than comic book writers. The real reason producers couldn’t let go of the organic shooters was because it came down from upon the mountain… from James Cameron himself (Cameron’s initials are J.C., Jesus’s initials were J.C…. coincidence?). Film makers prodded Marvel so much about these organic web-shooters being better, that comic writers were actually forced to incorporate them into the comics! Yes, Peter Parker grew wrist spinnerets, and they worked exactly the same as the as original web-shooters, he even had to still use his devil horn trigger finger.

My problem with the organic web-shooters is the explanation. Raimi said they did this for believability, but if the audience was willing to suspend disbelief enough that a radioactive spider give a teenager super spider power, I don’t think you’ll lose them with mechanical web-shooters. In fact, wrist mounted web slingers are actually the most believable element of the whole Spider-man mythos. Other things that don’t exist in real life: the Batmobile, adamantium, invisible jets, and jets boots, hand repulsers, unibeams, and just about every bit of Iron Man technology.

The organic web-shooters are actually far less believable because spiders do not produce webs through any of their eight legs. The spinnerets are located at the rear of the spider’s abdomen, or, in the case with human/spider hybrid, on Peter Parker’s ass. Yes, Spider-man would have to swing from his butt and fart at the Green Goblin. A biologist on the this History Channel’s Spider-Man Tech, I think trying to be a little more discrete, suggested that our salivary glands could conceivably mutant to produce webbing, but definitely not his wrists. Additionally, the artificial webbing was designed to dissolve after an hour (great for cleaning up after spider parties), if Peter Parker produced his own webbing, there’s no telling how long it would last. Spider-man would most likely poop out enough webbing to encase New York City several times over.

If Spaced taught us anything, it’s that every odd number Star Trek film is crap. But the greater question, perhaps the unanswerable question, is who is the best Star Trek captain? Friendships have ended over this, brothers against brothers, wives against husbands, good men have lost their lives over this. We can spit out endless data, figures, countless fake histories, and Kobayashi Maru results ad infinitum, and it won’t change a thing. Some people simply gravitate to Kirk, some people gravitate to Picard, and some people are even partial to Janeway. Your choice of Star Trek captain says more about who you are than who they are as a captain.

What does your favorite Star Trek captain say about you?

Captain Christopher Pike – The Antagonist

Pikes are a distance sort with little in the way of communication besides the odd beep and blip. Liking Captain Pike says you have little self confidence. You are so closed in and sheltered that you identify with the most obscure captain possible. If Trekkers have problems relating to everyday life, Pikers have trouble relating to everyday Trekkers. And most likely Pike fans just like to argue for the sake of argument, when they do muster up social courage, it’s mostly just so they can pick a fight.

Captain James T. Kirk – The Go-Getter

Kirk fans are a bit of a contradiction, they like to live life and they like to live it hard, but in the most out-of-date, predictable ways possible. Chauvinist? Yeah. Drunks? Probably. Pudgy? Almost always. The one thing about Kirk fans that you have to admire is they are not quitters, they are not afraid to fall and they are not afraid to get back up again. And don’t get into an argument about who the best Star Trek captain is with them because they will not give an inch. They would rather cheat, lie, and go down in flames than give up.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard – The Problem Solver

The thinking man’s captain, or, at least, the captain of the men who think they’re thinkers. During Star Trek debates, they’re cool and calm, 100% sure of Picards awesomeness. They take their time, analyze all sides of the problem, but once the decision is made there is no wavering. They say, “Engage,” or “Make it so,” and it’s done. They’re not always right, but they’re always well thought out. Side not: whereas Captain Kirk fans think they’re great loves, Picard fans actually are great lovers. The reason Picard was bald was because he was over brimming with such raw animal sexuality.

Captain Benjamin Sisko – The Humdrum

Captain Sisko was the captain of a space station, which means if you like Sisko, you are someone who is going nowhere. Star Trek as a series was about boldly going where no man has gone before, Deep Space 9 was about boldly staying in the same spot. Sisko fans are not bad decision makers necessarily, as long as all decisions maintain the status quo. Captain Sisko fans work the same job year end and year out, eat the same foods, go the same places (which are all roughly within walking distance of their apartments). Choosing Sisko also says you are a black nerd, or you enjoy sleeping with black nerds, or the thought of sleeping with a black nerd has crossed your mind.

Captain Kathryn Janeway – The Kiss Up

Not too many fans walk the way of the Janeway, not even hardcore feminists. In fact, most feminist would probably pick Picard. Janeway fans, for the most part, either don’t have fully formed penises or do not have fully functioning penises. Mostly Janeway says that you’re either a hermaphrodite or have erectile dysfunction. Seriously, if you’re a fan of Janeway it’s only because there is a cute little trekkie girl you’re trying to impress with your open minded Janewayness. They are not impressed. Those type of girls only go for Kirks or Siskos.

Captain Jonathan Archer – The Optimist

Paramount executives would like to believe that Archer fans are nostalgic for the future, that was probably the pitch of Enterprise. Not so. Archer fans really, really, really loved Quantum Leap. In fact, they’re still looking forward to all those Quantum Leap made-for-TV movies NBC promised us. Better get cracking Donald P. Bellisario. Archer fans also saw Necessary Roughness and Lord of Illusions in the theater, and are still pretty upset about that, too. Scott Bakula … B+. Jonathan Archer… F-. Archer fans lived in the hoped Enterprise would get better just as they lived in the hope that Quantum Leap would return.

P.S.
Even as a confirmed Asianphile, picking Sulu (Captain of the USS Excelsior) is just wrong and sad.

All bad things must come to an end and this is our final Hiro Meter. And I do mean final because chances are Heroes ain’t coming back.

So, how much did Masi Oka shame the Asian race in 4th season finale? Not too much actually.

Hiro is a Zero

1. Hiro has not learned a damn thing… -1. The whole season was about not going around effing up the time line, and what’s the first thing Hiro wants to do? He wants to go back in time… again. And mess things up… again.
2. Charlie just wants to be friends… -1. When old Charlie says she doesn’t want Hiro to go back in time and get her, she’s basically saying, “I’m sorry you misunderstood. I just want to be friends.” She didn’t even wait for Hiro to rescue her, she got busy in the past and she got busy hard, popping out little red head babies. If she thought of Hiro as her true love she would have had him go back for her, regardless of grand kids. He didn’t even get an old lady kiss, which would have been awesome in a Harold & Maude sort of way.
3. Hiro got his banana peel… +2. Did I call it, or what? I didn’t know exactly how Hiro was going to get his banana peel, but I knew he was going to save the world in the most insignificant way possible. Peter gets the big battle, even though Hiro was much more emotionally invested with confronting Samuel, but it was Hiro who ultimately saved the day through mostly shear goofiness.

And that’s all she wrote for poor Hiro.

Though, one thing that did bother me about Hiro this season was him saving Charlie to being with. A lot of fans wanted Hiro to save his “true love” Charlie, but the problem I had was Charlie was not his true love. Charlie died in season one, but it was made clear that she was going to die anyway, so going back and saving her from Sylar was an empty gesture at best.

Hiro’s actual true love was Yaeko, the blacksmith’s daughter, who was presumably raped and tortured by Adam Monroe the second Hiro went back to the future. That’s a far worse fate than death. But he leaves poor Yaeko to that and rescues Charlie instead… why? Because the actress who plays her, Jayma Mays, is on the show Glee. So, in the end, Hiro doesn’t really even get a real romantic connection, but just a little fluff around a cheap walk on.