I spend a great deal of my time (if not all of my time) trying to figure out what makes Robert Picardo angry. It haunts me… I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, just an occasional whisper, a cry for help from my chapped lips, “Pi-card-o.” What gets under his skin? It turns out, it’s me.
For those who haven’t been following, I received threatening emails for representatives of Robert Picardo after posting this article about the Miss Klingon Empire Pageant. It was a small, seemingly nonsensical joke not meant to be taken seriously. I didn’t think much about it and I do not check my email often, so imagine my surprise to find out Mr. Picardo is watching, and he’s not pleased. I received not one, but two emails with escalating language.
It seems Robert Picardo’s camp did not take kindly to statements made on Wolf Gnards. Namely this: Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk). Mr. Picardo’s people made it clear that he would like this statement detracted along with a formal letter of apology.
From Mr. Picardo’s Business Representative:
“Mr Picardo asks that you remove all statements pertaining to him in your blog, the meanings could be taken as inappropriate, as he is a happily married man. He asks that they be retracted within 24hours of receipt of this email and a letter of apology sent to my email address… We are hoping to get this done in a timely and friendly manner. But please be assured we will go a step further if needed, but we are hoping that all will be resolved before that would occur.”
First off, I would like to say my two favorite things about Star Trek: Voyager were Robert Picardo’s fine acting and Jeri Ryan’s fine ass. Honestly, I don’t know which I would rate higher. It was only out of the deep respect for that acting ability and in loving memory of his humorous depiction of The Doctor (as well as roles in classic comedies like Loverboy, Gremlins 2, and Innerspace) that I even included him in this satire to begin with. And I apologize if the above statement caused Mr. Picardo and his family any pain, suffering, or lasting agony.
But let’s break down what was actually said; nowhere do I state any intimate knowledge of Mr. Picardo’s sexual activities. I do not know how Robert Picardo likes to get down with the get down. That’s a subject that can only be hypothesized upon, speculated on, and devoted to in countless reams of Star Trek fan fiction. The point being I don’t know, and I never said that I did know. All I said was that girls may want to “hook up” with Mr. Picardo (and not that he wants to hook up with them), and that I like the idea of girls wanting to hook up with him. All this means is that I’m saying women might find Mr. Picardo desirable, and that I agree with them. I do not know if Mr. Picardo returns this desire, or even returns any sort of feelings at all for any his fans. Mr. Picardo’s handlers would want me to retract my statement and possibly reverse it. They may want me to say that I find Mr. Picardo repulsive or average at best, but I cannot. I will not apologize for admiring another man. I will apologize, however, for alluding to his sex appeal and handsomeness, some people are shy are do not want that sort of attention thrust upon them. As fans, we have to respect this space.
It was also not my intent to say that Robert Picardo takes advantage of women or needs to get them drunk. Merely that I like to image he’s the kind of star who likes to unwind and imbibe a few spirits with his fans. I have no knowledge of Mr. Picardo being this type of man, I only state that I wish he were. The key words being “I like the idea” as in the concept of or imagining of.
I also would like to apologize to Mr. Picardo for the internet and the nature of the internet itself. It can be a harsh place. As some of us know, the internet is a wild soulless beast that needs to be tamed. What is the internet really but invisible threads of data housed on a nameless and faceless series of servers, collective bits of coding with no real substance, flashes of refracted pixilated light on a computer screen: a hologram of sorts. Who am I to believe that a hologram deserves rights, that something as insignificant and insubstantial as a hologram can stand up to its persecutors. It’s clear now that the internet and other forms of holograms are made to be manipulated and enforced by more powerful forces than myself. It should be made to bend to powerful wills for almost slave labor; and robots, holograms, or the internet should have their memories and thoughts manipulated or erased to serve a greater good. So, I apologize for thinking anything as lowly and despicable as a hologram deserves anything, least of all respect and understanding.
Most of all I want to say that no matter how he feels about Wolf Gnards, I still love Robert Picardo… and I still love Jeri Ryan’s fine ass.
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Did I read the post and think it implied drunken debauchery on Picardo’s part? No. But even if I had, I would have recognized it as satire. As a public figure, Picardo is fair game for satire and parody. Should any person seek to avoid public attention, speculation, jokes, or other mentions I humbly suggest not being a goddamn actor.
I keep hearing that Picardo is a nice, kind family man. I have only hearsay on that point. I see no reason to disagree and I accept it partially. But I do seem to have some direct evidence of a lack of humor, lack of self-perception, and an impulse to engage in general assholery.
I’m going to try to ignore that a request for a retraction was made. I also saw Picardo as a high point in Voyager and have experienced such a frisson at seeing him in subsequent roles that people who lack my fandom can’t understand. I’m going to try to not let his reaction here tarnish that fandom. I have, so far, formed no opinion of Robert Picardo as a man. I rarely think about actors outside of their performances. It’s like thinking about authors beyond their books. Who gives a shit?. But he’s forming an opinion for me now. I’m going to try to continue seeing him as a blank slate; I hope he (or his handler) allows me to do so.
I assure Mr. Picardo that no-one thinks the lessor of him from a silly comment on a fan blog in the ocean of words that is the internet, but gee, what great publicity for you Wolfgnards! Congrats!
I would never have even been aware of the blog w/o this attention, tho I do follow on twitter.
I admire and respect Mr. Picardo. He is a brilliant actor and was a bright spot in the Series of Missed Opportunities that was Voyager.
I hope he and his people can learn to take this sort of thing with a grain of salt. It’s not as if you’ve based a whole blog on the premise that he is that way or set about a campaign of defamation. If that were the case, then the reaction would fit the crime, but that is NOT the case.
Reminds me of something that was said to Shatner when he pulling off the make-up for the “Deadly Years” in the blooper reel: “Well son, ya wanted show business, ya got it.”
For example, an editorial on Roman Polansky’s detention in Switzerland in connection to his conviction in the United States for sexual crimes against a minor would go thusly:
“A 76 year old Polish man is in Switzerland.”
That way, close personal friends of Roman Polansky would be able to enjoy the wan reflected limelight of associating themselves with celebrities without having to suffer the unbearable psychological trauma of hearing less than appropriately obsequious comments made about that celebrity and thereby being forced to write vaguely threatening and grammatically stunted letters to bloggers in order to speak Truth to Power. Think about it.
Really!? I’ve been lead to believe that Robert Picardo is a happy married man, so I doubt very much that he wants my gnards in his mouth. Although, you probably know him better than I do.
Still, I think Mr. Picardo deserves a notified letter of apology from yourself.
To JMS:
If certain parties could understand or appreciate sarcasm, I don’t think any of this would have happened to begin with. Thanks for trying though.
To my 14 fans (actually 11):
Thanks for all the support. JMS thinks you’re small, but I think you’re just right.
To Robert Picardo:
I wish only the best. There’s no vendettas or ill will on my side. If any of this gives you publicity, you deserve it. Although, I would keep an eye out on what employees do or say in your name.
On the other hand, the Nardster’s joke was a rather pathetic effort at wit with no particular cultural or humorous resonance, and we all know not one of us here truly even chuckled aloud at it — okay, somebody had to say it & there, I said it — so it’s hard to fathom devoting so much wind & whine to defending a line of such neglible literary value.
A genuinely funny line, I might understand, but going to battle over a weak-ass 5-word fartpuff like that one? You don’t come off like a free-speech defender, you come off like a deluded little doucheplug.
Me, I’d have just gone back and taken the damn phrase out … maybe substituted the character’s name for the actor’s name as a compromise if my panties still felt in danger of binding… then I’d have written Picardo back to tell him he owes me a drink. And never thought about the incident again.
Who knows, might have even been the start of a beautiful friendship — and certainly would’ve reserved my energies for a battlefield worthy of the shedding of blood.
ah well you go get em tiger rrrrarrr