Wolf Gnards

The internet is a buzz of a possible Monster Squad remake by Rob Cohen and Michael Bay. Yes, Michael Bay, the same Michael Bay best known for crappy remakes and for scrounging around our 80’s childhoods for source material (poor Optimus Prime… what have you become). With Monster Squad it’s two in one shot, a crappy remake and a piece of my childhood. But not only that, a crappy Monster Squad remake would be a remake of something that is already widely accepted as a crappy film. That’s crap on crap, or a crappy crappy remake.

Movies used to be made like this: a writer had an idea, wrote that idea down, showed that idea to a studio who then liked that idea, who hired a director who also liked that idea, who then cast actors who right for that part and able to convincingly act those ideas out. Now Hollywood films are decided by Excel spreadsheets. X movie has X fan base which equals X revenue, if X revenue exceeds the cost of theatrical distribution the film is released in theaters, otherwise it’s direct to video. Other factors now include things like X actress has X sized boobs with X number of men who will pay X dollars to see X boobs bounce.

A Monster Squad remake is interesting because Monster Squad was a huge theatrical flop. It become a hit on cable and VHS, and even then in only the most ironic of ways (As in “this movie is so bad, it’s good). You can’t force a cult classic though, it’s the one thing a spreadsheet can’t predict. Bay can go two courses with a Monster Squad remake: try to earnestly make a great movie or try to out crap crap. If he tries to write a better movie, with better characters, better monsters, better effects, it won’t work because we’ll say the original didn’t have to be good to be good. We’ll miss the original films horribleness way too much. And if he intentionally tries to make a bad movie, it’ll come off like Rob Schneider: kind of sad and trying too hard (the same can be said about the Wolf Gnards website). One thing’s for certain with Bay and The Fast and the Furious‘s Rob Cohen on board, there’s sure to be a 150% increase in monster related explosions.

A new movie would be a great opportunity though to shed some more light on the age old question: Do Wolfmen have Nards? As of yet, neither Michael Bay nor Rob Cohen have reached out to Wolf Gnards for consulting work. Wolf Gnards, of course, being the world’s foremost expert on monster scrotum. I fully expect a phone call from Bay’s camp any day…. any day now (was that a ring!? No. Okay… I’m waiting.) A remake just wouldn’t be a remake without the Gnards in place.