Wolf Gnards

There’s been some arguments about the Academy Awards excluding Farrah Fawcett and Bee Arthur, but one thing the Oscars did get right was starting their “In Memoriam” with Sir Patrick of Swayze. Bottom line, you always start with the best. Patrick Swayze is the greatest actor of our time and represents everything to everyone. This is not a mistake, this is not sarcasm, this is the truth. He represents man, woman, and everything in between, it’s kind of like the Holy Trinity except it’s all Patrick Swayze. So, why does he mean so much to the world? Patrick Swayze starred in arguably the ultimate chick flicks (Dirty Dancing, Ghost), the ultimate dude movies (Road House, Point Break), and the ultimate transsexual film (Too Wong Foo). No other actor before or since has been able to cross over all sexual genres with this degree of success.

What is it about Patrick Swayze that sparks our imagination? Why do women want him, men want to be him, and men want to be him as a woman (who would then want him as a man). Several possible explanations are available:

Mullet – Men love mullets, women love mullets, it’s a fact. This is the perfect hair cut for any male, female, or shemale. Classically speaking, we understand it as business in the front, party in the back, but a double meaning exists of dude in the front, lady in the back. The preferred hair cut of intellectual electrical tape loving do-gooders and indie lesbian pop stars everywhere. A hair cut this powerful could be dangerous on the wrong head.

Oil – Greasy muscles work for both men and women. Whether it’s an Arnold-like body builder or a Wonderful Woman of Wrestling, one thing they had in common were glistening muscles. This is so you can see every contour of their masculinity or femininity. And perhaps it crosses genders because we see our very selves in the the reflection of his muscles.

Wisdom – Patrick Swayze was always a source of unexpected wisdom. Swayze represented the mythic wise dude, a creature of legend like the minotaur or chupacabra. The wise dude is sort of like the bad boy with a heart of gold, but this is a dude with thoughts possibly of the deep variety. Attractive to women because of his dangerous outer shell and a creamy nerd filling. Swayze showcased this best with roles like a dancing philosopher, a bouncer philosopher, a surfing bank robber philosopher. He will break you, but with freestyle dance and Tai Chi. The Swayze character was a blend of oriental mysticism and poetic non-sense, all about peace, love, and gender equality. And for this men, women, and trannies follow him like a spiritual guru with the hopes of achieving the same kick-ass inner peace.

The world may be short one Patrick Swayze, but we all have a Patrick Swayze inside of us, and now is the time to let our Swayzes out. You are Patrick Swayze, your mom is Patrick Swayze, your dog is Patrick Swayze, he’s everywhere… he’s like the wind.