Wolf Gnards

Fame is not measured in accolades or success. In money or movie premieres. Fame is determined by one thing and one thing only, proximity to Matt Lauer. If excrement is measured in Courics then fame is measured in Lauers. The closer you are to Matt Lauer, the more famous you become. If you’re in the same building you’re a kind of happening person, if you’re in the same room then you’re probably sort of somebody (you can order someone to get you a latte at the very least), and if you’re sitting in Lauer’s tender embrace then you just might be a celebrity. As my mom has always said, “If Woof Gnats is so famous, how come you ain’t on the Matt Lauer?” Touche, Mother, touche. Matt Lauer distributes everyone’s allotted 15 minutes of fame, a fame fairy if you will.

So, if you’ve been interviewed by Matt Lauer you are definitely more famous than the vast majority of us. But how do you separate the people who have been interviewed? Quantity of interviews for starters. So, the more you’ve been interviewed by Matt Lauer the more famous you are. However, not only is there the Lauer interview to fame ratio, but there’s different degrees of Matt Lauer. The lowest level of fame is a Matt Lauer thought, you’ve crossed his mind but not his lips. The second level is Matt Lauer has spoken your name, even a passing reference counts. The third and fourth levels are the interview, which is split between the via satellite interview and the live interview. The live Matt Lauer interview is the holy grail of fame. Each level of Lauer is then weighted differently with a live interview being roughly equal to 8 Matt Lauer thoughts, 4 Lauer mentions, or 2 via satellite interviews.

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Not only that, there’s also the today show interview hierarchy, which goes:
Matt Lauer
Ann Curry
Meredith Vieira
Natalie Morales
The 4th Hour
Al Roker

The 4th Hour with Hoda & Kathie Lee is essentially a dead zone, if you’ve been relegated to the 4th hour it means your career is going nowhere. Here’s how a common booking conversation for the 4th Hour goes:

Agent: I got you on the Today Show.
Star: Yay!
Agent: It’s on the 4th hour.
Star: Jigga-huh?

Interestingly, while Al Roker is a major player on the Today Show (much more so than Hoda or Kathie Lee), he’s a horrible interview. Weather men don’t do interviews. It wasn’t a mistake that they picked Roker to interview Heidi Montag, that was a slap in the face and NBC telling her just how famous they think she’s not. Also, Ann Curry is ahead of Meredith Vieira because of journalistic credibility, and because she still gushes over Brad Pitt’s muscles. Curry is the perfect blend of hard hitting news and giggling school girl. Still for those hard fought 15 minutes of fame there’s nothing like an up close and personal Matt Lauer interview.

Whether you’re a balloon boy, an Olympic athlete, or a pilot that has landed his plane in the Hudson, you turn to Matt Lauer. It’s the place you want to be the next day. Why Lauer? The world may never know really. Some scientists claim it has to do with proximity to Matt Lauer’s mighty hairy chest, but that would mean Matt Lauer’s shirts would be the most famous shirts in the world. What happens is Matt Lauer doesn’t really create fame, but more simply validates it. He is the validation, it’s not a national news story unless Lauer is involved, without him it’s just local news. Matt Lauer’s not the first either, history is littered with fame setters: Johnny Carson, Ed Sullivan, Walter Winchell, Homer. But is Matt Lauer’s 15 minutes of fame of distributing 15 minutes of fame almost over? His cameo in Land of the Lost might be the beginning of the end. Like Jay Leno cameos and Larry King cameos in films, too many Matt Lauer cameos may mean that Matt Lauer is old news at covering new news.

Who will be the next Matt Lauer? I don’t know who’s next, but until then “Say my name, Matt Lauer, say my name!”