Wolf Gnards

I have returned from Japan (wall-to-wall knee socks and not a single person who spoke English) and to celebrate I thought I’d rejoice with some big ass monsters.

For a relatively small people, the Japanese like their monsters large and their heroes equally as large. Maybe, they’re overcompensating, or maybe, it’s just logistics. I think a normal sized monster would get lost in Japan, the subway system is like a maze crowded with people who are equally clueless about how to get out of the maze, regardless to say, Godzilla doesn’t ride the subway. It’s much easier to walk over buildings than under buildings.

Maybe, Tokyo, the world’s largest city, just needs the world’s largest monsters. Or maybe there’s something left over from the atomic bomb… a massive explosion equals a massive fear and only something equally large with mass and substance deserves that sort of attention.

And, of course, radiation causing growths and mutations. Not to mention actual breakthroughs in robotics and computers, technology being at the heart of every giant robot after all. Does Japan dream of giants creatures, or do giant creatures dream of Japan? Anyway on with the list.

Big Man Japan

He’s big. He’s a man. He’s in Japan. That’s about it. He’s not a good hero, he’s not a good fighter, but he certainly does live up to his name. He fights mildly retarded giant monsters, which is then video taped for a poorly rated late night show. While, not necessarily a good movie, it does a pretty good job of answering the questions, what if Japan had to make giant heroes to fight giant monsters for reals, yo (The question on all our minds)? The ending is spectacularly bizarre though, if you do want to watch Big Man Japan, make sure you sit through the whole thing.

Zord

In Japan, every hero has a giant robot regardless of whether they need one or not. Even Spider-man had a giant robot. While, the Power Rangers weren’t the first team to ever utilize the giant team based fighting machine (I’ll work the right hand… And I’ll control the left leg), it might be among the most famous. Every episode of Power Rangers was exactly the same: a goofy themed monster beat the crap out of the Power Rangers until they finally combine their weapons to destroy it, the monster grows big, they get in their giant Zord, monster knocks around Zord, and they finally use their big sword and kill the monster. I ask, why not just go straight to the big robot, and straight to the sword? It would save everyone a lot of time, and most likely save the city loads in property damage.

Mecha

Gundam, Zoids, exoskeletons, Metal Gear, Robotech, Battletech, what have you… pretty much tack -tech or -mech on the end and you got yourself a big goddamn robot. Well, more of a tank or battle suit. In the future, we will pilot giant sword wielding humanoid machines, but before then let’s really think this through. There’s a reason the army hasn’t rolled out AT-AT’s. We already have the best technology in existence, it’s called the wheel. There’s like a million moving parts that goes into making a robot walking, but the beautiful thing about the wheel is all you have to do is spin it.

Mr. Stay Puft

How could I possible go a day without making some sort of Bill Murray reference? The first non-Japanese monster was forged by campfires of Lake Waconda. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is the destructive form of Gozer the Gozerian conjured by Ray Stantz. I have to say a 100-foot-tall marshmallow man is as believable or more believable than most mutant lizards or giant machines.

Follow up:

Optimus Prime

While, not nearly as big as Unicron, Fortress Maximus, or Omega Supreme, Optimus Prime is and will always be #1 in our programs and our hearts. Basically, his name means Maximum One, so how do you go wrong with that? Best moment: in the original, Transformers movie (not the one by Michael Bay), Optimus Prime fights Megatron to the death in the first five minutes of the movie… that’s still one of the all time highlights of my childhood. I think it was the first time I said, “Oh, snap.” And, of course, Prime has the touch. Forget energon or matrixes though because my favorite Transformers involves Robots powered up on kisses.

Voltron

All you need to know about Voltron is that lion Voltron was as awesome as vehicle Voltron sucked. Voltron had everything that has been previously mentioned: giant bipedal robots, big monsters, transforming, big swords… and space mice and vague reference to incest. One of my favorite Voltron moments was when Princess Allura was trying to pilot the blue lion and crashing it everywhere because girls can’t drive lions. Dames.

Gamera

Who’s Gamera? Why a giant prehistoric turtle (roughly 200 ft tall) that flies and breathes fires. None of that makes sense, you say. This chart of the inner workings of Gamera should clear things up. No? The best thing about Gamera is how he flies. Gamera doesn’t need any stinking wings. He simply tucks into his turtle shell and blows out fire to spin like a Frisbee. Now that’s quality entertainment.

King Kong

Science says an ape cannot be as big as King Kong. Science says his bones wouldn’t support his weight, and his muscles wouldn’t be strong enough to move his body. Prove it. Surely zoologists just haven’t tried hard enough to mate large gorillas with equally large gorillas and so on and so forth. A giant gorilla with a congenital heat condition is just waiting to be born. Kong is usually around 50 feet tall, but that changes to about 140 feet in the Toho version.

Ultraman

Ultraman is the first word in large spandex man vs rubber monster suit fighting. Ultraman is about an giant alien hero that is teleported to Earth and takes the place a space cop when the space cop holds up an egg or something (a space egg?) and then who goes into a coma when Ultraman is fighting. I think.

Supeshiumu Kōsen (Spacium Ray) … that’s all you need to know.

Godzilla

Godzilla is king of the monsters for a reason. I didn’t understand much of what was said in Japan, but I’m pretty sure every other word was “Gojira” with the occasional “pikachu” thrown in. It can do everything Gamera can go, but less turtley. 267 ft tall and all monster. And according to Mathew Broderick, Godzilla poops out velociraptors. And he’s got a robot version: only the greats like Erkel get robot versions of themselves.