Wolf Gnards

Val Kilmer Likes Breakfast

Some of you may remember Val Kilmer from movies (no, it’s true, he was in genuine moving pictures), some of them actually very good, a lot of them not. He has the classic career destruction: he went from staring roles in good movies, supporting roles in good movies, staring roles in bad movies, supporting roles in bad movies, voice of KITT. On a long enough trajectory all great actors will eventually be reduced to the voice of KITT (Mr. Feeny, anyone?). But, maybe, this just prepared him for his greatest role of all… owner and proprietor of his very own Bed & Breakfast.

Why make blockbuster movies when there’s beds to be made and breakfasts to be had? Why work out when you can have a second breakfast? Why study lines when there’s pancakes around? And this is how Val Kilmer’s career has spiraled out of control. If you ever wondered what was filling that cod piece in Batman Forever, it was bacon.

As you can clearly see as Kilmer’s career has gone down, his biscuits and gravy intake has increased.

Though, if you thought the saddest part of this story was Val Kilmer opening a Bed & Breakfast you’d be wrong. The saddest part is he’s having a hard time opening a Bed & Breakfast. His New Mexico community is outraged that Kilmer is turning his 6000-acre Pecos River Ranch into a B&B, not because they have anything against hash browns but because of remarks Kilmer made in 2003 Rolling Stone. He was quoted as saying that he lived in “the homicide capital of the Southwest” and that “80 percent of the people in my county are drunk.”

Which also begs the question, why would you want to sleep or eat in the murder capital of the world? That’s not the way to draw customers to your Casa de Kilmer.

Neighbors tried to block Kilmer in a formal community hearing, however, Kilmer won the crowd over with a heartfelt apology and by explaining how he was grossly misquoted. As in the homicide capital of the Southwest isn’t as bad as the homicide capital of the Northeast, and 80 percent of the people in the county are drunk… on love. Say what you want about his career, Kilmer’s still got some acting chops.

Though, I’d like to think that since Val Kilmer is a method acting that all this is leading to the greatest B&B movie of all time. Perhaps about a down-on-his-luck actor forced to turn his palatial mansion into a semi-profitable Bed & Breakfast (Of course, there will probably be a scene where he raises funds at a bikini car wash). And all of Kilmer’s career choices since Heat were all in preparation for this movie because he had to be an authentic has been for the movie. It could culminate in some sort of eating contest between Kilmer and Steven Seagal.