Wolf Gnards

Let us go on a journey… a journey of the bogus. It seems to me that as well remembered as Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey is equally reviled. A man of a certain age and a certain time, a “Dude” for lack of a better description, will defend the excellence of Excellent Adventure with his dying breath, but that very same Dude, however, has nothing but spit and vile for Bogus Journey. Maybe, it’s because Bogus Journey is somehow both darker and sillier than its predecessor. Maybe, because it’s a time travel movie with very little time travel. Maybe, it’s because Wyld Stallyns actually played, and you can’t actually listen to the greatest music that ever was without it being a major let down. For whatever reason, because of this hatred, many have tried to pick at the bones of Bogus Journey with every little detail becoming a major crime.

What’s up with Station?

Specifically, why are there only two aliens in heaven? Well, we only see two, that doesn’t mean there’s only two. Plus, they might be the only good aliens, the bowels of hell could very well be jam packed with evil Station-like aliens. Or they could be visiting from alien heaven. And where’s Stations wang, you ask? Obviously, Stations need not wangs to merge, but merge by running out each other at full force. Or Station could also be a lady, come to think of it, I’ve never seen Barbra Streisand and Station in the same place at the same time. And why do the two little Stations combine to the one big ass Station? Because Station aliens not only combine their bodies, but combine they’re intelligence as well, and how else are you going to create Good Robot Usses?

How did they Build Good Robot Usses?

The junkyard robot is the staple of any super genius on a budget. Other famous robots made from garbage include: the Conky 2000 (Pee-Wee’s Playhouse), J-5 (Blankman), Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot (MST3K), and the tiny stichpunk robots of 9. What you shouldn’t be asking is how Station made robots out of household parts, but why he needed so many parts? Everybody knows a good junkyard robot only needs a garbage can for a body and two flashlights for eyes.

How did Rufus become Pam Grier?

The big reveal is that the club owner portrayed by Pam Grier is really Rufus (because who else would give them a break?) However, Rufus was thrown into the past with nothing but his wits, so unless he happened to have a Pam Grier costume in his back pocket, how did he come across such a hi-tech disguise? However, who needs hi-tech? Rufus could have easily have gone low tech a la Leatherface or Buffalo Bill. All Rufus needed to do was capture Pam Grier, skin her, then wear her skin on top of his. Easy.

How come De Nomolos wasn’t Stopped in the Future?

Since, De Nomolos was eventually captured and imprisoned in the past (and married to Missy), the future dudes obviously would have known what De Nomolos was going to do. They could have stopped him and imprisoned him at any point in his life. However, De Nomolos also set in motion all the events that started Bill & Ted’s career, so not only did the future dudes have to let De Nomolos run wild in the future, but they may have attentional let De Nomolos steal the time machine (which would also explain the Pam Grier outfit in Rufus’ back pocket). On top of this though, it would have been in the future’s best interest to ensure that De Nomolos would grow up hating Bill and Ted. Not only was there nothing they could do to stop De Nomolos, but they had to do everything possible to make sure De Nomolos would go through with scheme.

How did Bill & Ted Beat Primus at the Battle of the Bands with a KISS Cover?

Okay, this one I don’t have an answer for.

Which brings us back to..

The Clock in San Dimas is Always Running

There’s only one real problem with Bogus Journey, and it’s this, the writer’s forgot that the clock in San Dimas is always running. In a time travel movie, how do you make action relevant when time travel allows for unlimited do-overs? Or how can you be in a race against time when time is infinite? Back to the Future does it by having the time machine broken with an exact time and place where the time machine must be fixed. The climax builds toward this moment. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure did this through time always moving forward. No matter what historical period Bill and Ted traveled to, they still needed to be to their report on time.

This means if you need to be somewhere in 3 hours, you need to be there in 3 hours relative to yourself and your time line regardless of the amount of time hopping taking place. This is why it was so important for Ted to wind his watch and make it to their oral report on time. If the Bill and Ted from time line A weren’t at history report A on time then the universe would implode, and a Bill and Ted B can’t give the report at time line A because Bill and Ted B do not exist because the universe imploded. Get it? Me neither. But this does change the fact Bogus Journey ignored this rule entirely. In Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, they leave the concert in the time machine and practice for 16 months and then return to perform at the Battle of the Bands. This is impossible because the clock in San Dimas is always running, it means Bill and Ted would have been a year and a half late for the concert (not counting their medieval honeymoon). The Bill and Ted of that that time and that place have to perform the show, not a future version of Bill and Ted or else the temporal paradox that was threatening the first movie would form and the future would be destroyed or unraveled or whatever future’s are want to do.