Wolf Gnards

An Open Letter to David Stern and the National Basketball Association:

Mr. Stern, with another collective bargaining agreement vastly approaching, I think it his high time for the NBA to take a firm stand against dogs, specifically, Air Bud. I might be a traditionalist, but dogs just don’t belong in basketball. So, why would you want to disclude dogs from shooting hoops? Well, as we all know, dogs are a gate way animal. And basketball itself is a gateway sport. First, dogs playing basketball, then what? Dogs playing football, baseball, soccer, or volleyball. Mules playing football. Monkeys playing baseball, football, and hockey. If the NBA sets an example, I believe other major sports will follow suit.

The problem is movies about animals playing sports, both amateur and professional, will never end until we make it impossible for animals to partake in sports. No one wants to watch these movies, but how can we stop if studios keep making them? We would think these films would simply run out of premises but there’s a seemingly endless supply of animals to mix and match with various sports: porcupines playing ping pong, ducks doing dodgeball, tigers trying taekwondo. It won’t end. And naturally we think screen writers will eventually run out of bad puns to name these movies i.e. Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. But puns are easy and they don’t even need to be good puns to be movie title puns, watch… Duck Dodgers III: Bombardquack. Easy. We can’t rely on Hollywood running low on bad ideas, that’s all they have. No, if these films are to die, the NBA must take proper action.

The simplest way to ban animals from taking over human sports would be to create a rule. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet? RULE #1: NO DOGS. In every one of these movies, there’s always a scene where some dim witted referee consults a rule book and exclaims something like, “There’s no rule about dogs playing basketball.” Which obviously means dogs should play. So, if you make it an official rule, Mr. Stern, then these movies will finally end. This way if a dog accidentally scores a basket, the ref can calmly look at a rule book and confidently say, “No basket, dogs can’t play.” No baskets means no movies about dogs making baskets, which means I don’t have to watch Space Buddies.

Besides the rule book incident, every animal playing sports movie also involves a kidnapping plot. This is because the only logical way to stop a dog playing basketball is to kidnap them (or dognap them). Do you really want your coaches going around the league kidnapping the other teams best player? Letting dogs play just promotes bad behavior. By not banning dogs, you’re telling your coaches that kidnapping is not only acceptable behavior, but encouraged.

Of course, we cannot stop at the canines, Mr. Stern. Basketball should take the initiative and ban all non-humans including but not limited to aliens, robots, and demonic entities. Ghosts are ok, as long as they’re human ghosts; dog ghosts, alien ghosts, and robot ghosts will not be included. Dogs/aliens/robots could present an unfair advantage to earth-bound human basketball players. Speed, endurance, fetching: all superior dogs traits, all great traits in a basketball player. But it goes further. Most animals that play professional sports, however, posses super human abilities. Gus the field goal kicking mule, for example, can kick a football a 100 yards. Ed can hit baseballs so hard they leave a trail of smoke. Meaning eventually humans will only be able to compete by splicing their DNA with different animals. Is this the message you want to present to the world, Mr. Stern. If we take action today, we could also disclude animal/human hybrids, and their incredible leaping abilities.

So, during future negotiations with the players association, please, bring up banning dogs from the sport. In doing so you eliminate bad movies, sloppy play, kidnapping, and possible alien invasion. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Wolfie G. Nards

And if anyone agrees with me and would like to sign a petition, please, leave your name in the comment section, and I’ll make sure David Stern gets the message.