Wolf Gnards

I’m concerned about the growing trend of naked werewolves. Yes, that’s right, Wolf Gnards is against wolf gnards. It used to be a Wolfman wore torn pants and little ripped shirt, you could probably even throw a tattered hat on Lon Chaney, Jr. This was a Wolfman and a gentleman. However, werewolves today either immediately burst out of the pants during a full moon or gnaw them off throughout the night. Consequently, there’s always that scene where the guy wakes up naked in the woods or a field somewhere and has to somehow make it home… that’s called the Werewolf Walk of Shame. The Walk of Shame has become more and more prevalent with the ever more common werewolves that are really just big wolves: True Blood, Twilight, Blood & Chocolate, Ginger Snaps, back to An American Werewolf in London. There are very few Michael J. Fox shorts wearing dunking werewolves around anymore, either they’re too big for pants or they’re all animal instinct (and that instinct is to get out those pants). It’s like when I put leg warmers on my cat to try to recreate scenes from the Heathcliff cartoon, she kicks them off almost instantly, but I wouldn’t put leg warmers on my cat because that’s weird, right?

I haven’t read any of the Twilight books, I fear even opening the books could cause a sort of Raiders of the Lost Ark type disaster. So, I went to the mall and asked some local teenage girls, “What do the werewolves do about pants?” And the general consensus was, “Schmeh!” So, I asked some 40-year-old Twilightian experts (AKA Woo Girls – for their propensity to scream, “Wooooooooo!”), and they said, “Eh-schme-eh-eeeeeh!” followed by “Wooooooo!” These in-depth and insightful answers lead me to believe that no one has ever actually read any of the Twilight series. One Twilight fan did manage to say that she thought the werewolves of Twilight took their pants off before they transformed and tied them to their ankles, so they’d have pants later. This, however, cannot be confirmed since like I said no one has read the books. Tying pants just sounds like a lot of work to me, assuming they’re not wearing stripper pants, it would probably take a minute or two minutes to get your pants off and properly tied (and you know you’re going to have to double knot those pants because you’re going to be frolicking the shit out of those woods). You wouldn’t have time to tie pants around your ankles before a throw down either. If a Vampire is coming at you, you can’t yell “Time out!” and tie your pants around your ankles unless, of course, you’re Zack Morris, and Zack Morris as far as I’m aware is not a werewolf.

So, what’s a werewolf to do? You have to wolf out, but you’d like to do so while keeping your wolf bits hidden. Oz on Buffy the Vampire Slayer took to both locking himself up and stripping himself down because he had a problem with both killing people and ruining his favorite t-shirts. Plus, his clothes would be nicely folded waiting for him when he reverted back to human form. It doesn’t solve the nudity problem entirely, but this is an actual viable answer to the werewolf pants dilemma, though not everyone has access to a metal cage in the school library, and what kind of school library has a cage anyway? Although, half the time he didn’t make it to cage, so you still have to deal with getting around naked at some point.

I have a couple of answers:

I have two words for you: Fur… pants. Werewolves who wear pants are like dogs in tiny sweaters, there’s something not right about it and you know that the other werewolves are secretly making fun of him. The obvious answer then is camouflage. My solution is fur pants, fur pants in human form makes a lovely fashion statement, awhile seamlessly blends in with a werewolf form. This way a werewolf can wear pants without that unsightly pants look. You don’t appear odd as a werewolf and when you wake up as a human again, you have pants! PETA might not be happy about the fur, but they also are not happy about werewolves stealing chickens in the night, so screw them.

Solution #2: Pants in trees. This is a werewolf game changer. Tree branches are like nature’s closet hanger, so why not use them the way god intended? Before the full moon, you systematically hang pants all throughout the forest. Then when you wake up from your wolfing spree, you can just stumble to the nearest tree and put on some trousers. This method works with gaucho pants, board shorts, slacks, lederhosen, jeans, breeches, culottes, capris, pantaloons, pleats, chinos, or whatever; the possibilities are endless. The only downside is that lumberjacks will probably get suspicious after seeing hundreds of trees wearing pants.

Lastly, all I have to say is stretchy purple Hulk pants. If it’s good enough for Team Banner, it’s good enough for you.

Let’s put an end to wolf gnards!