It’s strange that I’ve never met a bicyclist that could be classified in any way as a good human being. I see people on bikes every day and yet I’ve never seen any hint of humanity in their eyes. All glory to the bicycle! And the more into bikes a person is the less of a good person they can be. Which is strange because someone who’s into bicycles should go hand in hand with someone who cares about things. Reducing greenhouse gas emissions, saving money, and getting exercise all seem like good aims, but they come in a very douchie package. Riding on side walks, swerving through the streets (because every lane is a bike lane), darting through traffic, shouting “on your right” when they’re clearly on my left, or riding through red lights (in fact, I’ve never seen any bicyclists ever obey any sort of stop sign, yield, or traffic law).
One might think that bicycles, like booze, lower a person’s inhibitions. Not true. Most researchers agree that bicycles, while annoying, have no actual drug-like properties. Most bears riding tricycles for instance are gentle, noble beasts, so the harmful nature of bikes cannot be inherent to the bicycle. It’s something about man and bikes, the seductive power of two wheels! It’s something that those insecure unicyclists can never fully comprehend. Though the real reason bike riders are jerks is because of karma. Bicyclists live by a perfectly balanced karma system (or Karma Cycle) meaning equal parts good karma need to be counterbalanced out by equal parts bad karma. All the good deeds they’ve collected on their bikes get canceled out by bad attitudes and belittling glares (the what’s-wrong-with-you-dude-where’s-your-bike glare). Being an ass is sort of their reward, by lowering their carbon footprint they’ve earned the right to really lord it over everyone.
However, if you separate a biker from his bike do they revert back to human form? Yes and no. Douchiness tends to linger. It depends on when they last rode their bike and how far away their bike is currently from them. If someone hasn’t biked in a couple months or if their bike is in another part of the country then they’re able to act quite normally. Basically, if you still have sweat on you generated from your bike, you’re still under the bikes sway. So, how good a person a bicyclist is depends on both the amount of time they’ve spent away from the bike and the distance they are from their bike. This is why your friend who rode his bike to the bar is just awful when he first gets in—constantly pointing out which streets don’t have bike lanes and the total lack of bike racks immediately adjacent to your favorite bar—but gets a little less awful as the night goes on. To break the cult of cycling there needs to be an intervention, the biker needs to be separated from the charismatic Schwinn.
Three Keys to Deprogramming a Bicyclists
- Get him off bike
- Get him away from bike
- Beer
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Riding anbike because you can’t afford an electric vehicle but hate what gas cars do to the environment, I’m with you. Ride a bike because you want to talk about how everyone should ride a Nike but only you do? You must be stopped. And I don’t car that you were doing it before everyone else or that you got the inspiration from a band I never heard of. Carless hipsters.
I keep my fist cocked when I see a bicyclist on the sidewalk, because I’ve been sideswiped so many times.
I found it very interesting!!
THanks for the info!