Wolf Gnards

Dead, Corgan, or Taco Bell—sounds like the worst variation of Fuck, Marry, or Kill ever, but are the possible fates of Jerry Supiran. Supiran played Jamie Lawson on the sitcom Small Wonder. I work at a job where I’m at a computer all day and I occasionally have some time to kill, which means I end up googling things like Small Wonder. Not really much to say about a bad show with bad actors, the most successful one being Mrs. Poole. However, the interesting one is Jerry Supiran, who played the non-android little bro. Or I guess older brother. Or youngly humanoid of indeterminate age. The reason Supiran is fascinating is because for some reason the internet rumors fly fast and furious with him. It seems just about every blogger has a Jerry Supiran theory.

The most popular theories include that he grew up to become Billy Corgan, he’s alive and well working at Taco Bell, or he died in 1994. The odds that Jerry Supiran grew up to be the front man of the Smashing Pumpkins is slim at best. This rumor most likely grew because Supiran looks vaguely like a young Billy Corgan, the same way people thought Marylin Manson played Paul on The Wonder Years. But I’ve never actually seen Corgan’s birth certificate, so who knows. He could have definitely faked his own death to shed his Small Wonder image and start an alt rock band. The Taco Bell rumor is simply to play off the little success that Supiran has had post-Small Wonder. The rumor insists that Jerry either quit acting (or most likely acting quit Jerry), and he fell so far that he’s working the taco line at the Bell in Central California.

The death rumor is probably the most persistent for Supiran. It’s also the easiest to fake. In fact, Wikipedia has gotten in on the act, “Jerry passed away at the age of 21 due to a long-term complications stemming from a severe heart murmur. Jerry is survived by one son who he fathered in 1991. Jerry was no stranger to trouble in his adult life, his struggles with alcohol addiction adding to his existing heart problems.” Wikipedia has also stated, “Jerry’s life was no ‘Small Wonder.’” That’s my favorite because I’m sure that’s how Supiran would want his death to be listed, in fact, I’m sure that’s what it says on his tomb stone. Wikipedia has since removed all the death remarks, but I’m sure they will return. This is because bloggers such as myself have little to no lives. Faking celebrity deaths are right up there with Rickrolling, it’s just good old fashioned internet fun, before things got all mean girl on MySpace.

How to Fake a Death

The secret to faking a good celebrity death is to supply details and pick the right celebrity to kill. Details such as “fathered a child in 1991,” “struggles with alcohol,” and “heart problems.” And the right celebrity is someone no one cares about, but is still immensely interested in. This being a nice D-list celebrity that used to be on a show that people sort of remember and people sort of maybe liked. For instance, Michael Ray Bower who played “Donkey Lips” on Salute your Shorts died in 2007 after a long battle with Hoof-and-Mouth Disease. He passed away in Tarzana surrounded by friends and family. You read that and you say, “Hoof-and-Mouth Disease? That’s weird, too weird not to be true.” And dying surrounded by loved ones, that does sound like something Donkey Lips would do. We could even say that Bower always had Hoof-and-Mouth and that’s why they named his character Donkey Lips. Extra facts might include something about Michael Bower playing background characters in pornos, and while he never actually had sex on tape, here’s a video of Donkey Lips naked. And now that it’s out there in cyberspace, the death of Donkey Lips is true.

A Jerry Supiran Update

Jerry contacted Washed Up Celebrities to set the record. He likes Golf, he’s fairly certain he’s not Billy Corgan, and he really loves wearing silly hats. Jerry even Twitters.

Why he didn’t reach out to Wolf Gnards, we might never know. But if you’re out there, if you’re listening, we’re here for you, Jerry.

How exactly does a movie like Air Buds in Space get made? The film industry is just a fascinating process to me. Like if full length feature films were exclusively made by creepy dudes in basements, I could totally see how Air Buds in Space can get made. I mean besides masturbating, what else does he have to do? If you can’t think of anything better to do than bating, I’m sure taking your time to write and direct an Air Buds movies sounds like a fantastic idea.

But that’s not how movies are made, movies are made in conference room, by grown men and women with college educations. Most likely wearing suits. With ties!? And Air Buds in Space is the best they can do! Someone not only had to have the wolf gnards—the shear audacity—to pitch Air Buds in Space, but someone else had to greenlight it as well. Someone had to hear that idea and say, “Why not? Why not throw these dogs into space.”

How do we get to the point where we’re shooting innocent sport loving puppies into space? The problem is Air Bud has mastered every sport there is: basketball, football, baseball, soccer, tennis, bowling, cricket, jai alai, midget tossing. So, at the big Hollywood meeting where the big boss man asks, “What will Bud master today?” and a lesser boss man meekly answers, “outer space,” it sounds like a fresh approach. Because “outer space” is neither a sport nor a logical answer to his question. Instead of just a regular bad idea, this sounds like an executive is thinking outside the box. The lesser boss man could have easily have said that Air Bud should be a lady judge on TV then, of course, they would have mad Air Bud in Court which could have been just as enjoyable.

Air Bud started with a simple dog that could hit an occasional basic on David Letterman, why are we sending this dog into space. Where are spending millions of tax payers dollars to see a dog sink a basket in outer space. What scenario would have to unravel for NASA to send Lassie or Patrick Ewing or a combination of Lassie and Patrick Ewing into space. Why must we go there, but more importantly if an Air Bud can go to space, surely Chunky Butts can also get a green light.

Your friendly neighborhood blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

P.S. Dee Dee thought I photoshopped Spuds MacKenzie in the picture, sadly Spuds is for real and for some reason is joining those puppies on their wacky space voyage (ably voiced by Diedrich Bader). David Bowie also joins the Space Buddies on their magic journey.

Just wanted to check and make sure someone else noticed Rufio during Heroes. Yes, that Rufio. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooooo. Where has this guy been? And why hasn’t he aged in 20 years? Feel free to check out IMDB and say Rufio’s been doing this or Rufio’s been doing that. Doing voice over work for bad Disney cartoons isn’t exactly doing anything. I mean this is Rufio… idol to millions (thousands? tens? me?) popping up on Heroes, but not even being on Heroes, but doing a commercial for Heroes, and not even doing a commercial for Heroes but a commercial for TurboTax and Heroes.

I hate to say it but Rufio really did turn out to be a lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooo. Okay, I think I got that out of my system. I should have been nicknamed Rufio.

Your very un-Rufio blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

P.S. No one says “Bangarang” to me nearly enough.

New episodes of Heroes and I almost missed it, some nerd I turned out to be. I guess NBC has been running promos for weeks and I was totally oblivious. It was kind of a slow episode, but I think that’s always to be expected with a new story line. Still enjoyed it, but I’m really developing two problems with Heroes. The first one being the obvious, could they rip X-men off more!? Time to call in the Sentinels and ship Peter Petrelli off to Genosha. Tim Kring and Jeph Loeb have been practically scratching the Chris Claremont’s name off of X-men comics and putting their own in its place. The rumor is that Tim Kring actually fired Loeb to try to foster a return to character driven scripts. Personally, I don’t mind that they rip off X-men, I would just like them to give credit where credit is due.

The second problem I have is the depowering of Hiro. Is white America that scared of a powerful Asian man that they can’t let Hiro have some power? He’s a already a geek… he was already turned into five-year-old… did we have to take his powers away, too? The message is pretty clear that NBC executives view Asian males as less than men. I love Hiro. I love that he’s a nerd, but give the guy some freaking powers. Give him his balls back, at least. Speaking of which they couldn’t let that little cutie Daphne fall for Hiro, they had to pair her with Parkman? But, of course, that would mean admitting that Asian men of testicles.

And to Masi Oka, don’t become Jar Jar Binks. I know it’s a sweet gig, but there’s no reason to be a Stepin Fetchit. If you have a problem with your character then speak up, we got your back.

Last night I got around to watching The Foot Fist Way starring Danny McBride. Now, I’m not a huge fan of Danny McBride, but I had, I wouldn’t say high hopes, but mid-level hopes for the movie. A jackass Taekwondo instructor who beats up six-year-olds, that sounds funny to me. But it was just plain bad, completely unfunny, and considering the number of Tom Collins I had in my system anything should have been funny.

Danny McBride is the guy that you see and you say “Oh yeah, I saw him in something or other (most likely Tropic Thunder), and I while I don’t remember particularly liking him, my heart could have contained more hate for him.” I definitely find McBride annoying, but even in bad movies he’s usually not the worst thing in it. What really attracted me to The Foot Fist Way was Will Ferrell’s seal of approval. Will Ferrell films probably fall into my guilty pleasure movies. One of his films usually consist of a unlikely protagonist, a few awkward moments, a bland string of jokes, something surreal, and one or two hilarious scenes. The anchor man gang fight is enough to make up for rest of Anchor Man. The Foot Fist Way was like a Will Ferrell movie with nothing redeeming about it.

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ABC Family ran a Karate Kid marathon today and, of course, I couldn’t help myself from watching. The film really is the best around and no one’s ever gonna get it down. The one thing that really bothers me about the series though, besides 3 and 4 being horrible, is that the movies never confront Mr. Miyagi’s rampant alcoholism. He’s drunk to the point of passing out a number of times in the movies, and besides drinking, he has a bit of gambling problem as well—most of the time using punches to Daniel’s face as collateral. First he bets on Daniel at the All Valley Karate Tournament, then he bets that Daniel can chop through thick slabs of ice (even though it was never shown that Daniel was ever taught to chop through anything), and then in “The Next Karate Kid” Miyagi bets that a bunch of Monks can win at bowling. What insight or knowledge could he have possible had that would tell him that kung fu skills could translate at a bowling alley? To me it looks like Miyagi is living on the edge, surviving on the high of risky behavior.

What would happen if Daniel had lost the All Valley Tournament? He would continue to get razed by Johnny even though Ali would have been completely unimpressed by both Daniel’s martial arts and sexual performance. She’d still leave him for some UCLA football stud, but this time he’d have a whole lot more black eyes and bruised ribs to show for it. Then in Okinawa if Daniel couldn’t chop through the ice blocks, they would never be able to afford the refrigerator part Mr. Miyagi was originally in town shopping for. Consequently both Mr. Miyagi’s old love Yukie and her comely niece Kumiko (Daniel’s new love interest who hasn’t been introduced to the joys of Bruin tailbacks) would die from maggot infested food contamination. As for the fast paced world of bowling for dollars, the Monks, who most likely have taken vows of poverty, would never be able to pay off the huge gambling debts and would have to sell their monastery.

What it comes down to is asking ourselves why Mr. Miyagi behaves like this. My best theory is the drinking. He probably carried a small flask of saki and took a swig before each scene. Banzai! Too much advantage your dojo… tournament. Banzai! $600 say he brake all six. Banzai! A dollar a pin. I imagine in between films Miyagi is a drunken mess, sleeping on the streets of Vegas. Then Daniel needs someone to teach him to sweep the leg or how to prune bonsai trees, and he has to quick sober Miyagi up before the film begins. And all of this, of course, is just swept right under the rug. Miyagi doesn’t have a problem because his black out are adorable. Asian man fall down… how cute.

What I find interesting is that in the first film, Miyagi is a flawed character. Yes, he’s a martial arts master, but he’s a martial arts expert with a lot of personal baggage (dead wife and son). By the last movie, Miyagi is demonstrating supernatural Zen powers by catching arrows shot directly at his chest. I’m surprised he wasn’t flying around.

Of course, he was flying but only on saki. Banzai!