Wolf Gnards

Zatanna Zatara made a guest spot on Smallville. Nothing more than a bad actress on a bad show, but still it’s Zatanna. How often is there going to be a living, breathing witch in fishnet stockings. They’re not going to make a Zatanna movie any time soon, so I’ve got to take what I can get, right? I’ve had a crush on Zatanna since Batman: The Animated Series. Even at 10, I knew those legs looked good. That’s how I liked to remember her, too, as the leggy illusionist whose father helped train Bruce Wayne to be an escape artist. That didn’t happen at all in DC continuity. Zatanna’s father, John Zatara, was a real sorcerer and she like her father performed real magic using by speaking backwards.

So, when they announced Zatanna was going to be on Smallville, I got mildly excited. I haven’t watched Smallville in years. I gave it much more of a shot than it deserved and watched for several seasons, mainly because it’s Superman and Kristin Kreuk was so cute. However, I just got tired of the bad acting, terrible writing, and so-so special effects. But Zatanna got me to flip over for another 60 minutes.

I originally planned to rip into Smallville’s portrayal of Zatanna, but I’ve had some time to calm down. Serinda Swan plays Zatanna Zatara in this very special episode of Smallville. In the episode Hex, she turned Chloe into Lois Lane and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Zatanna cast a spell on Clark to make him forget his super powers and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Green Arrow pranced around and wackiness ensued. Now what I was really planning to bite into was Serinda Swan as Zatanna. The problem is Serinda simply is not hot enough for Zatanna. Then I actually felt really bad for her. Here we have Serinda, a perfectly beautiful actress, that all of a sudden will have a legion of nerds saying she is not hot enough. I think we can criticize her acting, but it is Smallville, so it’s not like she was acting with Lawrence Olivier. Next to Erica Durance’s overacting and Tom Welling’s constant smirking, Serinda was a very passable actress. So, we turn to her looks to pick apart. I mean she’s fine looking, she has the dark hair, she almost have the eyes, but her legs are just not Zatanna legs, and for that we’ll bash her. Here is a girl who in all likelihood would not even consider sitting next to a guy like me, and I have the nerve to say she’s ugly.

But maybe she needs that, though. She’s going around thinking she’s a Zatanna level of hotness. If she thinks she’s too good to sit next to me, she’s sadly mistaken. Plenty of beautiful women have sat next to me. Dee Dee Supreme sits next to me almost every single day. But I digress. Isn’t it enough to see Zatanna? Must I be nit picking? Must I be unsatisfied. Can’t I just appreciate a hot chick in silk stockings?

No.

Yours truly, the homely man with an empty seat,
J. Douglas Musashi

So, Dee Dee says, “What’s ‘Jizz in my Pants’?”

I open my computer and say, “I’ll show you.”

Dee Dee, “I don’t wants to see your jizz in the pants!”

Gobstopper

Starring Christopher Lloyd as Willy Wonka, Martha MacIsaac, Zach Gilford, Paul “Boner” Rust, Nicky Whelan, Paul Scheer as Mr. Slugworth, and Wee Man as Oompa-Loompa.

Not a real movie, but it should be.

The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was one of the most gruesome movies in history. Augustus Gloop was super heated into fudge, Violet Beauregarde was squeezed until her insides or on her outside, Veruca Salt may or may not have been incinerated but at the very least suffered serious neck or body injury, and Mike Teevee was run through a taffy machine. And where were these kids at the end? No where! Body bags most likely. Not to mention Charlies and Grandpa almost being chopped to bits. Why would such a dangerous over head fan be in the room that stores the Fizzy Lifting Drink? Tim Burton was purposely trying to be creepy in his remark and he didn’t even come close to the original film.

When I was looking for Darth Vader pics (I know, what an awesome photoshop job), I ran across this little beauty. The Darth Vader Telephone! You too can have a direct line to evil Sith Lords. Call up Ewoks. Put Alderaan on hold… permanently. The Darth Vader Phone, made by Kash ‘N Gold, is not just a hunk of black plastic, but an annoying hunk of black plastic. What does the novelty phone do that’s so annoying? The question is what doesn’t this novelty phone do that’s annoying.

This phone isn’t for the Star Wars superfan, this phone is for someone who has given up trying to get laid. Check out the features of this Darth Helmeted Phone:

• Darth Vader’s head swivels when phone rings
• Flashing lights
• Imperial March ring tone
• Additional Star Wars sound effects located on Darth Vader’s chest (light sabers clash, mechanical respirator, Mom yelling to get out of the bathroom)

So, pretty much anytime someone calls, Lord Vader goes into a epileptic seizure. Which would never get annoying, especially if you receive multiple phone calls in a day. Although, if you own the Darth Vader Phone, you probably don’t have to worry about that. In all seriousness, I would love to place a phone call through Darth Vader, just so I can tell whoever is lucky enough to receive my call where I’m calling from. However, the Vader Phone is out of production, so if you’re lucky enough to find one on eBay, expect to pay $50 or so. I’ve seen it listed for over $200 though! That’s an iPhone.

Jock’s have Sports Illustrated football phones, us geeks have Darth Vader Phones, but either way someday our wives will throw them both away.

Your blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi calling from the Death Star.

Speaking of getting with that fine ass Queen Amidala, it looks like that wooden rogue Anakin is settling down again. Hayden Christensen became engaged to Jumper co-star Rachel Bilson. It has not been confirmed but Christensen most likely proposed in a monotone voice “Will… you… marry… me… bee… boo… bop?” The bee-boo-bop, of course, being his robotic personality.

Haychel, as I’ve coined the new entity, is just another in a long line of actors falling in love on a movie set. It goes to show just how idiotic actors really are. That’s not to say acting isn’t a difficult skill. If I ever try to do something even remotely thespian, I just end up stammering then giggling then giggling and stammering again. I think actors can become a role because they simply have nothing going on to begin with. They’re going into it with a glass very much half empty. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson just represent a prime example: the onset romance. Actors fall in love because they can’t tell the difference between pretending to be in love and actually being in love. Christensen is so stupid that a director tells him to love with someone and he falls in love. He’s like a slobbery puppy dog. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens enough that there must be a connection. Eliot didn’t have sex with E.T., but they probably made out a bit, second base, at least. I’ve never fallen in love with anyone I’ve worked with, of course, it does happens in real life but Hollywood does it best.

The ultimate is when an actress falls in love with her director. She’s actually falling in love with the person that’s telling her to fall in love. That’s like an acting masochist. Directors should know better, it’s got to be something like statutory rape. The age of consent for a starlet should be raised to like 35 (of course, no one wants them by then).

But back Hayden Christensen, the guy just continues to ruin everything good in the world. First Star Wars then Rachel Bilson, what’s next? Vader is the biggest geek killer of them all. His next project casts him as Case in William Gibson’s classic cyberpunk novel Neuromancer. Really, Christensen? Must you ruin Neuromancer? After that he’ll most likely play Dr. Who then Freddy the Talking Flute in the big screen remake of H.R. Pufnstuf.

Hopefully, Bilson will sap the energy out of him, although, she’s a little emaciated looking–probably not too much in the way of stamina. Time to sandwich up, Bilson, and keep Christensen from working!

This is probably the best fan made movie trailer I’ve ever seen…

How does anyone have this sort of time on their hands? I barely have enough energy to wake up in the morning. Most of these fan made movies usually involve much more motivated nerds than myself jumping around in home made spandex suits, but this is just beautifully done. Most guys the edit just splice film together, but this geek put a little effort into it to transform like 5 bad movies into something spectacular.

Thunder Cats, Ho!