Wolf Gnards

What the Government Doesn’t Want you to Know

There is a conspiracy of fat men on television. Why did Kevin James, Jim Belushi, and Mark Addy have TV shows? Talent? Hardly. Most would attribute the phenomenon by the simple equation fat equals funny and, of course, the fatter the funnier, but this does not work in pairs. The classic fat duos are traditionally the fat and the fat inverse ie someone skinny, creating fat & skinny comedy teams like Laurel & Hardy, Farley & Spade, Jay & Silent Bob. You can’t have two fats because instead of wacky hijinks they would just eat a series of progressively larger sandwiches throughout the movie. On a marriage related sitcom the fat man stands in the for the husband and a hot chick stands in for the skinny sidekick. One would think it’s just the regular comedic fat formula, but one would be wrong. The fat guy/hot wife scenario was created for one purpose: the subjugation of woman.

There’s nothing funny about the abuse of women through some of the world’s fattest men. Great examples of fattitude include: Just the 10 of Us, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, According to Jim, King of Queens, Grounded for Life, Still Standing, and even animated shows like Simpsons and Family Guy are designed to keep women down through male obesity. These television shows all have fat men, all with women who would never date fat men let alone commit their lives to vacuuming under their stomachs. Coach from Just the 10 of Us needed an entire hot family to support is fat ass. Is this just male fantasy run amuck, or is there something deeper? Here’s how the media fat cats are manipulating women: A single woman watches one of these shows and thinks, “Hmmm, if Stacey Carosi could only get Kevin James, and surely I’m not as good looking as Stacey Carosi, could I possibly do better than Kevin James?” Of course not, better settle for that mutant over there. Likewise if Courtney Thorne-Smith could only pull down John Belushi’s less talented brother, could you ever hope to be with a more talent brother? Not at all, fat dude sitcoms tell us better to be with a loser than no one at all.

The consolation prize for that slob on the couch is, at least, he’s funny. As if that’s something women want. Women then don’t actually like funny men, but are conditioned to settle for personality by the media. Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has the added bonus of also being wealthy. Sufficient money and humor will get you a Leah Remini or a Jami Gertz, or whatever B List actress you want. And who’s to benefit? Fat comedians, fat politicians, and your fat boyfriend, of course. Our entire entertainment industry is based on the concept of helping less attractive men get laid. That’s why underdog’s always get the girl in the end, to increase the potential of this actually happening in real life.

The conspiracy goes back to the early 1950’s in a possible underground meeting between Colonel Sanders, Winston Churchill, Fats Domino, the ghost of Fatty Arbuckle, and a 3-year-old Jerry Mathers (as the Beaver). Remember women’s suffrage was still fresh on the minds and the Women’s revolution was well on the horizon, the government had no choice but to come up with a plan. The question was put forth: How can we both stunt women empowerment and get hot women to date us? The answer was The Honeymooners. Jackie Gleason is the alpha fat man to Audrey Meadows’s omega hot chick. The Honeymooners was devised to keep women at bay through fear and intimidation, but in the funniest ways possible. Gleason was essentially asked to promote domestic abuse, but in a hee-hee sort of way. The lesson of every episode of the the Honeymooners: no matter how fat, dumb, and belligerent your man is, you better stick with him because there’s absolutely no alternative.

And if she doesn’t like your beer gut then it’s bang, zoom, to the moon.

There’s been some arguments about the Academy Awards excluding Farrah Fawcett and Bee Arthur, but one thing the Oscars did get right was starting their “In Memoriam” with Sir Patrick of Swayze. Bottom line, you always start with the best. Patrick Swayze is the greatest actor of our time and represents everything to everyone. This is not a mistake, this is not sarcasm, this is the truth. He represents man, woman, and everything in between, it’s kind of like the Holy Trinity except it’s all Patrick Swayze. So, why does he mean so much to the world? Patrick Swayze starred in arguably the ultimate chick flicks (Dirty Dancing, Ghost), the ultimate dude movies (Road House, Point Break), and the ultimate transsexual film (Too Wong Foo). No other actor before or since has been able to cross over all sexual genres with this degree of success.

What is it about Patrick Swayze that sparks our imagination? Why do women want him, men want to be him, and men want to be him as a woman (who would then want him as a man). Several possible explanations are available:

Mullet – Men love mullets, women love mullets, it’s a fact. This is the perfect hair cut for any male, female, or shemale. Classically speaking, we understand it as business in the front, party in the back, but a double meaning exists of dude in the front, lady in the back. The preferred hair cut of intellectual electrical tape loving do-gooders and indie lesbian pop stars everywhere. A hair cut this powerful could be dangerous on the wrong head.

Oil – Greasy muscles work for both men and women. Whether it’s an Arnold-like body builder or a Wonderful Woman of Wrestling, one thing they had in common were glistening muscles. This is so you can see every contour of their masculinity or femininity. And perhaps it crosses genders because we see our very selves in the the reflection of his muscles.

Wisdom – Patrick Swayze was always a source of unexpected wisdom. Swayze represented the mythic wise dude, a creature of legend like the minotaur or chupacabra. The wise dude is sort of like the bad boy with a heart of gold, but this is a dude with thoughts possibly of the deep variety. Attractive to women because of his dangerous outer shell and a creamy nerd filling. Swayze showcased this best with roles like a dancing philosopher, a bouncer philosopher, a surfing bank robber philosopher. He will break you, but with freestyle dance and Tai Chi. The Swayze character was a blend of oriental mysticism and poetic non-sense, all about peace, love, and gender equality. And for this men, women, and trannies follow him like a spiritual guru with the hopes of achieving the same kick-ass inner peace.

The world may be short one Patrick Swayze, but we all have a Patrick Swayze inside of us, and now is the time to let our Swayzes out. You are Patrick Swayze, your mom is Patrick Swayze, your dog is Patrick Swayze, he’s everywhere… he’s like the wind.

The internet is a buzz of a possible Monster Squad remake by Rob Cohen and Michael Bay. Yes, Michael Bay, the same Michael Bay best known for crappy remakes and for scrounging around our 80’s childhoods for source material (poor Optimus Prime… what have you become). With Monster Squad it’s two in one shot, a crappy remake and a piece of my childhood. But not only that, a crappy Monster Squad remake would be a remake of something that is already widely accepted as a crappy film. That’s crap on crap, or a crappy crappy remake.

Movies used to be made like this: a writer had an idea, wrote that idea down, showed that idea to a studio who then liked that idea, who hired a director who also liked that idea, who then cast actors who right for that part and able to convincingly act those ideas out. Now Hollywood films are decided by Excel spreadsheets. X movie has X fan base which equals X revenue, if X revenue exceeds the cost of theatrical distribution the film is released in theaters, otherwise it’s direct to video. Other factors now include things like X actress has X sized boobs with X number of men who will pay X dollars to see X boobs bounce.

A Monster Squad remake is interesting because Monster Squad was a huge theatrical flop. It become a hit on cable and VHS, and even then in only the most ironic of ways (As in “this movie is so bad, it’s good). You can’t force a cult classic though, it’s the one thing a spreadsheet can’t predict. Bay can go two courses with a Monster Squad remake: try to earnestly make a great movie or try to out crap crap. If he tries to write a better movie, with better characters, better monsters, better effects, it won’t work because we’ll say the original didn’t have to be good to be good. We’ll miss the original films horribleness way too much. And if he intentionally tries to make a bad movie, it’ll come off like Rob Schneider: kind of sad and trying too hard (the same can be said about the Wolf Gnards website). One thing’s for certain with Bay and The Fast and the Furious‘s Rob Cohen on board, there’s sure to be a 150% increase in monster related explosions.

A new movie would be a great opportunity though to shed some more light on the age old question: Do Wolfmen have Nards? As of yet, neither Michael Bay nor Rob Cohen have reached out to Wolf Gnards for consulting work. Wolf Gnards, of course, being the world’s foremost expert on monster scrotum. I fully expect a phone call from Bay’s camp any day…. any day now (was that a ring!? No. Okay… I’m waiting.) A remake just wouldn’t be a remake without the Gnards in place.

The sudden death of actor, Corey Haim, has a lot people keep asking me to do a Haim tribute, but I’ve already written about Corey Haim. And quite frankly I don’t have that much to say on the topic of Corey Haim. But I will say I am pro Haim.

In the Corey/Corey Conundrum I broke down that Corey Haim was the better of the two Coreys. Simply, look at the track record. The best Corey Haim/Corey Feldman films had Corey Haim as the main Corey and Corey Feldman as the backup Corey (Lost Boys, License to Drive). If you reversed the polarity the results were disastrous (Dream a Little Dream, National Lampoon’s Last Resort). Unfortunately, it was the same drug problems that may have lead to Haim’s death that also demoted him to Corey sidekick status. Still I will still always remember him as the superior Corey.

Of course, there has been some disagreement with the Gnards (as there often is) with someone stating that the Corey hierarchy goes:

Corey Hart > Corey Feldman > Corey Haim

I find this ridiculous because no one knows who Corey Hart is, go ahead Google him and come back later, I’ll wait. If you don’t want to Google him, I’ll tell you: Corey Hart is a Canadian songwriter who wrote Sunglasses at Night (now you’re probably like, “Oh yeah, I kinda remember that song… it sucked.”), and by all extents is considered a lesser Corey. How can Hart be the alpha Corey if he’s never even paired with another Corey? It takes a relationship with, at least, one other Corey to be considered in the Coreys, otherwise you’re just A Corey and certainly not THE Corey.

Maybe, in Canada it goes Corey Hart, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, but for the rest of the Corey-appreciating world Haim was (and always will be) the Corey standard.

Photo Courtesy of StarPulse

I spend a great deal of my time (if not all of my time) trying to figure out what makes Robert Picardo angry. It haunts me… I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, just an occasional whisper, a cry for help from my chapped lips, “Pi-card-o.” What gets under his skin? It turns out, it’s me.

For those who haven’t been following, I received threatening emails for representatives of Robert Picardo after posting this article about the Miss Klingon Empire Pageant. It was a small, seemingly nonsensical joke not meant to be taken seriously. I didn’t think much about it and I do not check my email often, so imagine my surprise to find out Mr. Picardo is watching, and he’s not pleased. I received not one, but two emails with escalating language.

It seems Robert Picardo’s camp did not take kindly to statements made on Wolf Gnards. Namely this: Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk). Mr. Picardo’s people made it clear that he would like this statement detracted along with a formal letter of apology.

From Mr. Picardo’s Business Representative:
“Mr Picardo asks that you remove all statements pertaining to him in your blog, the meanings could be taken as inappropriate, as he is a happily married man. He asks that they be retracted within 24hours of receipt of this email and a letter of apology sent to my email address… We are hoping to get this done in a timely and friendly manner. But please be assured we will go a step further if needed, but we are hoping that all will be resolved before that would occur.”

First off, I would like to say my two favorite things about Star Trek: Voyager were Robert Picardo’s fine acting and Jeri Ryan’s fine ass. Honestly, I don’t know which I would rate higher. It was only out of the deep respect for that acting ability and in loving memory of his humorous depiction of The Doctor (as well as roles in classic comedies like Loverboy, Gremlins 2, and Innerspace) that I even included him in this satire to begin with. And I apologize if the above statement caused Mr. Picardo and his family any pain, suffering, or lasting agony.

But let’s break down what was actually said; nowhere do I state any intimate knowledge of Mr. Picardo’s sexual activities. I do not know how Robert Picardo likes to get down with the get down. That’s a subject that can only be hypothesized upon, speculated on, and devoted to in countless reams of Star Trek fan fiction. The point being I don’t know, and I never said that I did know. All I said was that girls may want to “hook up” with Mr. Picardo (and not that he wants to hook up with them), and that I like the idea of girls wanting to hook up with him. All this means is that I’m saying women might find Mr. Picardo desirable, and that I agree with them. I do not know if Mr. Picardo returns this desire, or even returns any sort of feelings at all for any his fans. Mr. Picardo’s handlers would want me to retract my statement and possibly reverse it. They may want me to say that I find Mr. Picardo repulsive or average at best, but I cannot. I will not apologize for admiring another man. I will apologize, however, for alluding to his sex appeal and handsomeness, some people are shy are do not want that sort of attention thrust upon them. As fans, we have to respect this space.

It was also not my intent to say that Robert Picardo takes advantage of women or needs to get them drunk. Merely that I like to image he’s the kind of star who likes to unwind and imbibe a few spirits with his fans. I have no knowledge of Mr. Picardo being this type of man, I only state that I wish he were. The key words being “I like the idea” as in the concept of or imagining of.

I also would like to apologize to Mr. Picardo for the internet and the nature of the internet itself. It can be a harsh place. As some of us know, the internet is a wild soulless beast that needs to be tamed. What is the internet really but invisible threads of data housed on a nameless and faceless series of servers, collective bits of coding with no real substance, flashes of refracted pixilated light on a computer screen: a hologram of sorts. Who am I to believe that a hologram deserves rights, that something as insignificant and insubstantial as a hologram can stand up to its persecutors. It’s clear now that the internet and other forms of holograms are made to be manipulated and enforced by more powerful forces than myself. It should be made to bend to powerful wills for almost slave labor; and robots, holograms, or the internet should have their memories and thoughts manipulated or erased to serve a greater good. So, I apologize for thinking anything as lowly and despicable as a hologram deserves anything, least of all respect and understanding.

Most of all I want to say that no matter how he feels about Wolf Gnards, I still love Robert Picardo… and I still love Jeri Ryan’s fine ass.

Andrew from Akron asks:

My Dear Wolf Nards,
I’ve always been bugged by the ending of Jurassic Park, how did the T-Rex get into the discovery center? I’ve looked at it from every angle and there wasn’t a door big enough for a tyrannosaurus.

When we first saw Jurassic Park and the T-Rex came out of no where to kill the Velociraptor at the end, we all thought the same thing… awesome. It was just that, not much more thought went into it. Upon a thousand viewings later though questions like these start to crop up. Interestingly, this wasn’t the original ending of the film. The original draft of the script had Alan Grant fighting off the raptors with a mechanized tyrannosaurus skeleton. Spielberg deemed that ending too unbelievable and very a good call on his part.

We all like to poke holes in great movies, this site is based on nothing but that, and Jurassic Park in no exception. Cracked had a similar dilemma with the the ending of Jurassic Park, their beef being that suddenly in the waning moments of the film T-Rex miraculously becomes a silent ninja. But not only does the T-Rex need to become a silent killer, but it needs to get into the guest center first. We’re dealing with a 20 ft high tyrannosaurus and a 7 ft door. Either it destroys the door trying to get in or gets its head stuck trying.

Here are just a few of the most likely scenarios:

Through a Window

The Tyrannosaurus Rex could have crashed through any number of glass windows. The Discovery Center looks like it’s 80% glass. Plus there’s a good chance that either John Hammond or Newman had a pie cooling on the windowsill at the time.

Dinosaur Shaped Door or Hole

The Jurassic Park Discovery Center is a pretty big building with presumably some sort of loading dock and doors big enough to fit any number of dinosaurs. T-Rex just needs to go through the loading dock, through the warehouse, up an elevator, past the office staff cubicles, past the vending machines, down some stairs, through the tourist displays, and BAM at the front door.

Like a Rat

And it may not even need to be a big hole to crawl though. Rats can fit through holes the size of quarters, perhaps a particularly nibble and flexible Tyrannosaurus Rex can fit through a hole the size of a basketball. Not knowing their exact physiology in nature limits what we can expect them to do. So, next time you hear something scratching around in the walls, it just may be a T-Rex.

The T-Rex was Always There

It was one of the hatched eggs from the beginning of the movie. It hatched, lived, and grew over the course of the two days. It didn’t need to sneak into the guest center because it was always in the guest center. It’s like that urban legend: The call from the T-Rex is coming from inside the house.

Through the Pipes

A facility with all the major problems of a theme park and a zoo probably has one hell of a sewer system. The Tyrannosaurus could have made its way through the underground pipes just like Mario. A Dig Dug analogy can also work. And if it couldn’t go under, perhaps it could go over…

Flew Over Center by Jet Plane

T-Rex has a need, a need for speed. And after flying the jet over the Discovery Center, the T-Rex will consequentially…

Parachuted In

A hang glider or da Vinci plane could also work in a pinch.

Tyrannosaurus Teleported Inside

T-Rex either used a Star Trek teleporter pad or it had a latent mutant ability like Nightcrawler. Think of it less of dinosaur or more of a mutant frog. All it needs to do is separate its molecules one at a time and resemble them on the other side of the wall.

Through the Looking Glass

Why teleport when a convenient worm hole is readily available? T-Rex obviously made it in the same way Alice made it to Wonderland. It doesn’t have to just be a magic mirror either, any kind of worm hole or space/time anomalies will do.

Shrink Ray

If Rick Moranis is not available (and who are we kidding… he’s available), a “drink me” bottle from an early visit from Wonderland would do. A shrunken T-Rex could easily waltz right in, the only problem is finding some sort of re-bigulator on the other side.

The Power of Christ

All you need is a little faith in the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Jeff Goldblum Did It

I don’t know how he did it, but somehow, someway Jeff Goldblum was involved in getting that T-Rex through the door. Goldblum represents the finest in movie scientist, and let’s not forget he once even managed to hack alien technology. If anyone can figure out how to get a 20 ft dinosaur through a 7 ft door, it’s Jeff Goldblum. Instead of thinking of the T-Rex saving Grant, the kids, and Laura Dern (and her short shorts), you can think of Jeff Goldblum saving them. He picked that raptor up in his powerful Jeff Goldblum jaws just in the nick of time.