Wolf Gnards

Great parody by Jeff Loveness and Prussian Sunset. I love Wes Anderson and I love Spider-Man, so I would have no problem if this movie actually existed.

I’m a Sam Raimi fan, but the project has to move on, and Sony and Marvel could actually do worse than Anderson. Rushmore is one of my favorite movies, and Spider-Man 2 is my favorite comic book flick, so let’s make this happen. I’m serious. He did a fun job with Mr. Fox, I’m sure he could handle Spidey. Maybe, the big face off is a bit of a let down, but the entire Spider-Man 3 was a let down, so who cares?

I felt after Spider-Man 3, Raimi seemed kind of done, his webshooters were dry as they say. I don’t think it was his fault it was awful though. The person I would love to see banned from a new Spider-Man franchise is Avi Arad, chief creative officer of Marvel Entertainment. He’s the one who pushed Venom into Spider-Man 3. If he’s involved it will just be about making toys and selling merch.

Of course, the other problem with Spider-Man 3 is the lack of respect for the source material. One problem with all comic book movies is that the screen writers think they’re better than comic book writers, so they feel confident that whatever trash they put together will be inherently better than a comic book simply because they themselves are better than comic book hacks. It’s this hubris that is ultimately the undoing of most comic book films.

Comic books have a vast mythology and legend associated with them, and whether or not it’s intentional or by accident is irrelevant. To ignore this mythology is giving a middle finger to every comic book fan that ever lived. And, of course, Spider-Man 3 is just one gigantic middle finger. The essential problem though is that Venom is a promotional character created for the sole purpose of dollars and cents. There is no myth worth telling. Here’s the comic book back-story on the symbiote in case you didn’t know. During the Secret Wars (A mega Marvel cross-over pitting every superhero vs. every supervillain created by marketing douchebag, Jim Shooter), Spider-Man tore his costume up and needed to use a costume making machine, but went through the wrong door and found an evil symbiote machine instead. No lie, that’s the story. There is lots of substance to the Eddie Brock character and Venom, but still at the end of the day he’s just a wrong door.

But anyway, no matter who they tab to revive the Spider-Man franchise, whether it’s Marc Webb or whoever, let’s hope it’s someone with the right balance of goofiness and reverence, and with the gnards to say, “Avi Arad, you’re kind of an idiot.” My vote’s for Anderson

Another no show for Hiro, and since it’s the second week in a row, that’s an automatic negative two. Pat Morita was on Happy Days more than Masi Oka has been on Heroes. I guess the only alternative to work him on the show would be to pop his head up and say, “Me so horny.” Because they can’t work him into the show through clever writing or anything like that.

What’s more though than his absence is that there’s no hope for more appearances. No Masi previews, no integral Masi story line. I hope Hiro’s story line this season didn’t end with that terrible dream sequence. However, all seasons of Heroes basically end the same way.

The Scooby Doo Ending

Although, he bears a striking resemblance to Scrappy Doo, Hiro actually plays the Shaggy of Heroes. See in every season, Hiro plays some small, mostly wacky yet vitally important part to the seasons climax. The gang has set up the trap, Fred/Peter Petrelli tries to lure in the Monster/Sylar, the net doesn’t spring, and Daphne/Claire does something girly in the corner. This is when Shaggy/Hiro slips on a banana peel and collides into the Creature/Sylar thus foiling his plans. And, of course, we reveal the twist that monster is really Linderman or Peter’s dad or whoever in a cheap Sylar rubber mask.

Hiro never has a big role in saving the world, but give him his god damn banana peel, NBC. It’s all he has.

Since Wolf Gnards seems to be forever intertwined with February 2nd, I thought I’d take a moment to wish everyone a very happy Bill Murray. As we now know Bill Murray Day bears resemblance to old Pagan holidays based on Stripes and Caddyshack. However, the origin of Bill Murray Day actually comes much later when the first Bill Murrays came to America. A tradition dating as far back as Brian Doyle-Murray and his ilk.

The myth states that on February 2nd every year, Bill Murray crawls out of his hole, or Murray cave. If he sees his shadow, the Bill Murray burrows back into the earth and we’re do for six more weeks of Bill Murray articles. The phenomenon is caused by Bill Murray’s winter hibernation, as he is still groggy on winter sustenance of Twinkies and whiskey, he is not quite ready for the bright lights of paparazzi. The many articles are used to slowly coax the actor out and ease Bill Murray back into the spot light.

Bill Murray article topics can include:
How Far did Bill Murray run in Meatballs?
How Long did the Ghosts visit Murray in Scrooged?
How Many Baby Steps did he take in What About Bob?
How Long Will the Average Proton Pack Last?
How Many Strikes did Big Ernie McCracken Bowl in Kingpins?
What’s the Genealogy that Makes Bill Murray and Bernie Mac brothers in the Charlie’s Angels films?
What does the Japanese Director tell Murray in the film Lost in Translation?

And, of course, the ever classic Bill Murray Day article:
How Long Does Bill Murray Spend Trapped in Groundhog Day?

And remember when Chekhov saw the long Murray, he saw a Bill Murray bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that Bill Murray is just another step in the cycle of life. But blogging here among the people of Wolf Gnards and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous Bill Murray.

No Hiro, no rating. But is anyone else bugged by the spatial relation problems? They’re all over the map in minutes.

Hopefully next week Hiro will return to his usually horrible antics. It’s getting actually pretty painful to finish this thing, I hope the world appreciates what I have to do to make a Hiro Meter (scary to think how full of hope and joy the meter started out with). I have to actually watch the show. Yeah, I have to sit here and watch this awful thing. Beginning to end. I can already guarantee that the Hiro Meter will never make a return after this year, so enjoy them while they last.

Killing chickens and running from angry villagers is one thing, dunking a basketball is something entirely different. Is Teen Wolf correct? Can a werewolf slam dunk a basketball? The answer is simple: yes… and, maybe, no. If Michael Jordan was a werewolf it really goes without saying that he could dunk a basketball. Some sort of super monster dunk could even be expected. But could a baby werewolf dunk? Or a midget werwolf dunk? Or a shewolf dunk? Werewolves come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and the curse of the beast is different for all of us. I spent way too much of young life trying to get bit by a wolf just so I could make the basketball team, would it even have been worth it?

Michael J. Fox, in fact, could have some problems. After all, Fox is only 5’4”. Given that height, with regular body proportions to that height, Fox should have a standing upward reach of 79”. I’m assuming that Fox cannot palm a basketball both because hand size is not effected in his transformation and his claws could puncture a basketball. This means he needs at least a 47” vertical leap to jam on a 10 ft basket. This is the minimum it would take, and about an inch higher than Spud Webb could at his peak condition. So, would a lycanthropy boost be enough to propel Michael J. Fox to the basket?

Most would imagine that a Frankenstein is the best monster on the basketball court. And while it’s great in the post, it’s also slow, lumbering, and afraid of fire. However, a werewolf is perfectly suited for b-ball. While I’ve never seen a wolf dribble, shoot, or play defense, the athletic increase alone should count for something. Fox’s character only dunked and blocked shots, which freakish athleticism would have greatly aided.

Here’s what Yellow Stone Park has to say on the matter of werewolf leaping:

The 1 acre acclimation pens were constructed of heavy gauge wire fence material 10 feet tall, round or oblong in shape with a two-foot wide inverted top. The shape was used to prevent any of the wolves from climbing out over the top of the enclosure. We found that wolves held in square cornered enclosures have the potential to gain momentum while circling the enclosure to reach the top. Wolves are also able to jump so high, that they often are able to jump and grab the chain link fence with their teeth and then pull themselves over.

A wolf can almost dunk on its own! So, a human/wolf hybrid should have no problem whatsoever. And younger wolves (or teen wolves), are much better jumpers than adult wolves.

One thing to note is Michael J. Fox is only slightly bigger than an average sized wolf. So, his wolf powers are slightly increased from a regular wolf. Still this is more than enough for Fox to dunk. If all things stay proportional, a teen wolf should be able to jump up to 13 feet, or a 77” vertical. This is calculated for a four legged spring. Two legs could be half as powerful making only a 39″ jump, not enough for the Foxy one to dunk. But considering that most of the leaping power is in the back legs probably only a third of leaping strength would be lost. That’s a 51″ leap and more than enough to slam dunk.

Now whether or not a werewolf can box, that’s a wolf of a different color.

Real Genius as we now know is pound for pound the greatest Val Kilmer movie of all time. Go ahead, name a better? Val Kilmer might have entered a different weight class, but try to harken back when he was a young genius with the world ahead of him. A world full of five megawatt chemical lasers and t-shirt wearing boy geniuses. A world full of lovely Jordan Cochrans and sexy Deborah Foremans.

And that leads us to the Wonders of Death Rays:

Mythbusters did an episode that recreated the famous popcorn exploding house scene. But sadly with miniatures. There experiments showed a laser could pop a popcorn kernel, but the expanded popcorn kernels could never burst through glass and wood. Instead the popcorn simply burned. But I don’t have a problem with the popcorn demolished home, or the invention of the 5 megawatt laser (a laser several magnitudes more powerful than any laser in actual existence even today). The only problem I had with it was that it was unsanitary… parents, don’t let your children frolic in strange glass filled popcorn. My problem is from earlier… no, not Jordan’s attraction to Mitch.

What is the quickest path from point A to point B? A straight line… which is exactly the course the laser tore through campus. What I had a problem with was when Val first fired up the laser and it cut a path through the school. The laser cut through the brick target and the wall and building and a statue and a tree, all the way to a hamburger joint on the other side of the quad. Where the wacky gang joyfully ate hamburgers with little regard to the carnage they caused. If a laser can burn a perfect hole through an oak tree or a metal statue, it probably wouldn’t have a problem cutting through a person. How many students had to die to feed Val Kilmer’s ego? Campus security at the very least would have questions about the holes appearing all over school.

They didn’t care about the random students in the path of the laser.

Or the Dean’s prized cockapoo.

Or Ken.

Or even Jordan.

The first thing I would have thought was, I hope I didn’t kill a bunch of people, not I could really use a hamburger. And not only do they not realize that half the campus is dead, but they don’t even realize that they invented a weapon. These were supposed to be geniuses and they couldn’t figure out a laser that burns through a college could be used for something bad. And when they do realize it, what’s the only logical course of action? Blowing up a house with popcorn because as we all know the government really respects madcap hijinks.