Wolf Gnards

If you’re anything like myself then you’ve always dreamed of being slimed. As a boy I rolled around in any stick, semi-viscous substance I could get my roll into, said “I don’t know” to questions I knew the answers to, and taunted every spook, spectre, or ghost that came my way. But what are the side effects and consequences of being slimed? Is it just wacky fun or something more sinister?

With being slimed by a ghost there are two different scenarios to consider: either you are being run over by a ghost or run through by a ghost. In the original Ghostbusters, we never actual see the details of Peter Venkman’s sliming incident. Peter screams, Slimer charges, Ray runs and discoverers Venkman sprawled on the ground. And his very survival could depend on how he was slimed.

Slimer Knocks Over Peter Venkman

This is the most basic of the sliming techniques. A ghost takes a solid corporeal form, and literally barrels over you. The slime simply wipes off the ghost and onto the ghostbuster as it passes by. It’s like getting tackled, but gooier, or a little more like wiping snot on passerby. Side effects are minimum: expect some light bruising, swelling, and redness around the slimed area, and you should be back on your feet within minutes.

Slimer is Inside of Peter Venkman

This form of sliming is a little less predictable. The ghost phases through your body, so its molecules pass through your molecules and commingle with those molecules… a supernatural fiesta if you will. Unfortunately, we know from the puddle on the wall that a slimer leaves a trail of slime residue in its wake, this means it’s leaving slime inside you. You’re not only covered in slime on the outside, but your internal organs are covered in slime as well. So far, it’s hard to tell what the effects of slime is on the human body. If ectoplasm is anything like regular human plasma though, the side effects could be the same as getting a bad blood transfusion. A severe hemolytic reaction could occur causing red blood cells to start to clump together with ghost blood cells and clog the arteries of your heart. Internal sliming side effects can cause heart attack, stroke, or death. At the very least, internal sliming would be the equivalent of injecting yourself with HI-C Ecto Cooler, which could cause a rapid heart rate and headaches.

Since, Peter Venkman didn’t suffer a heart attack or any STD’s (Spiritually Transmitted Diseases), we can assume none of the ectoplasm got into his blood stream. The fact that he was laying on his back suggests being knocked over, but his attitude suggests something more went on… giggity.

However, it brings up the question if ghosts are so deadly then why aren’t they phasing through everyone. Well, not every ghosts leaves ectoplasm trails. It could also be an ability unique to a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class 5 full roaming vapor.

Our friends at the Masters of None Podcast ask:
Why did Bernie (from Weekend at Bernie’s) never rot or start to smell?

Let’s take a look at the stages of death, shall we…

Decomposition begins the second the heart stops beating, but actual rotting—as in falling off the bone tenderness—shouldn’t happen for about a week. Dead body smells happen pretty fast and in that warm weather Hampton environment, probably even faster. Still a dead body takes around 24 hours to get a nice beefy rotting smell going. Unless they refrigerated Bernie or embalmed him at some point, he would be working up quite a stink by day 2. The trick of the movie though is the title of the film, a weekend with Bernie suggests two, maybe, even three days with Bernie, or a 72 hour period. The reality of the film, however, is they only spend 24 hours with a dead Bernie corpse. Bernie died late Saturday afternoon/evening (lethal injection), they spend the night with the corpse sitting at the party, then the next day running away from the mob, until Bernie died again the following evening (shot). The title should be “One Day at Bernie’s.”

So, we can say emphatically that the film Weekend at Bernie’s does not stink (from his corpse rotting, at least). Meaning the movie could have theoretically missed the smell window, or did not go on long enough for the smell to be noticed. However, there are still some minor issues with hauling around a dead body. Rigor mortis would have been at full stiff tilt within 12 hours, making madcap hijinks the next day highly unlikely. And after 4 hours, blood would pool giving him purplish skin, in fact, his hands would turn blue after 30 minutes, making it hard to pass Bernie off as a tan and happening party goer. Plus Bernie was submerged in water twice throughout the film, which would have made him a bloated, purple mess by the final scene.

And perhaps most importantly, Bernie would have released his bowels mere minutes after death. And remember Bernie was wearing the same outfit the entire time, the same soiled pants for an entire day. So, Bernie does smell, but like shit, not like death. There really needed to be a scene of Andrew McCarthy wiping Bernie’s ass with a wet nap, doing a load of laundry, or scrubbing away brown trails through the entire summer home.

In passing a stiff, bloated, purple, poo covered corpse off as being alive, the rotting smell is the least of Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman’s problems.

Everyone’s doing it. No, one’s watching, the coast is clear, go ahead, do it. Get up on that beach stump, raise up your knee, and strike your best karate bird pose. It’s human nature (or is bird nature)… if you’re at the beach and you see a stump, you’re going to try the crane kick. It’s no use trying to deny it, it’s what we do. Yet early reports say that the new Karate Kid film has gotten rid of the crane kick… how can this be? How can they get rid of the single greatest fake martial arts move in history. Every fight I have ever been in has involved a well timed crane kick at some point (also with that song “You’re the Best” playing in my head). If do right, no can defend, but how does the crane kick from The Karate Kid work?

The Four Parts of a Successful Crane Kick

Misdirection
The first part of the Crane Kick is simple misdirection. Your foe is busy looking at you fluttering your hands in the air, then he sees the knee, and thinks, “What’s this guy up to? Is he going to slap me, is he going to knee me, tickle fight? I don’t know?” Which means he is completely missing the leg you’re standing on, i.e. the deadly foot.

A variation also known as the modified crane kick involves jazz heads. This move goes like so: jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands, KICK. An almost unstable fighting style, this is why Jackie Chan got his start as a dancer, and was the original choice for the lead in Footloose (in my mind, at least. I just insert Jackie Chan into most movie roles).

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Ridiculous problems deserve equally if not more ridiculous solutions. If an asteroid is barreling toward the Earth, the only sane answer is to send untrained deep sea oil drillers into space to blow it apart (and not to blow it into smithereens but into two equally sized pieces that will barely miss the planet much like Larry blocking Moe’s eye poke). There is almost nothing I’m not willing to buy about the movie Armageddon.

Liv Tyler going 18-years on an oil rig filled with desperate and lonely men and never getting raped. Bought it. Ben Affleck going 18 minutes on an oil rig without being stabbed. Bought it. Super experimental spaceships. The Russian space station with artificial gravity and enough rocket laying around for two spaceships. Slingshotting around the moon. A mole-man like super drilling machine. Bought it. Bought it. Bought it. Bought it. I was fine with landing on an asteroid, drilling on an asteroid, and taking off from an asteroid. Sounded like one hell of a genius/retard plan.

Part of this was because Billy Bob Thornton does a first rate job of making this ridiculous plan sound absolutely plausible, most likely because like so many scientist out there he’s a folksy down home kind of scientist. Pretty much Foghorn Leghorn with a degree from MIT. “This here asteroid is what we call in mah neck of the woods a global killer, I sah, I sah.” The plan was fine, the whole blowing up a giant asteroid from the inside is like blowing up your fingers with an M-80, cool with it. It’s the execution of the plan and this impossibly huge asteroid that I have a problem with.

Deep Impact hit theaters 2 months before and had a comet that was 6 miles long… How do you make Armageddon better? Make a bigger asteroid. How much bigger? How about the size of Texas. First, the size of Texas (or any state really) is not really an acceptable unit of measurement, that’s like saying my house is the size of a 10000 glasses of water. What does an asteroid the size of Texas really mean? Is it as heavy as Texas, the same volume as Texas, as long as Texas? Texas is 790 miles long and 773 miles wide, which would make for one hell of a giant asteroid and really questions how we could miss a small moon heading right for us. I assume the asteroid has the same surface area as Texas, meaning 268,820 square miles. Given the asteroid’s spherical shape, it would have a radius of 150 miles or a length of 300 miles. However, the asteroid is more oblong, so it probably has a length of 450 miles with a width of 150 miles. Still a hell of a big asteroid (take that Deep Impact), and that’s the problem. The drilling concept was fine, but given the size of the asteroid it would have failed.

Bruce Willis and his rag tag crew only had to drill 800 ft into the asteroid. 800 ft barely cracks the surface of an asteroid hundreds of miles wide. At the most, planting a nuclear device in a hole that shallow would caused a giant crater, but it would not have broken the asteroid apart. The only way this would have worked was if the asteroid was flat and only a few 1000 ft thick, giving it a nice potato chip like outline, or something resembling the Phantom Zone from Superman II.

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What the Government Doesn’t Want you to Know

There is a conspiracy of fat men on television. Why did Kevin James, Jim Belushi, and Mark Addy have TV shows? Talent? Hardly. Most would attribute the phenomenon by the simple equation fat equals funny and, of course, the fatter the funnier, but this does not work in pairs. The classic fat duos are traditionally the fat and the fat inverse ie someone skinny, creating fat & skinny comedy teams like Laurel & Hardy, Farley & Spade, Jay & Silent Bob. You can’t have two fats because instead of wacky hijinks they would just eat a series of progressively larger sandwiches throughout the movie. On a marriage related sitcom the fat man stands in the for the husband and a hot chick stands in for the skinny sidekick. One would think it’s just the regular comedic fat formula, but one would be wrong. The fat guy/hot wife scenario was created for one purpose: the subjugation of woman.

There’s nothing funny about the abuse of women through some of the world’s fattest men. Great examples of fattitude include: Just the 10 of Us, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, According to Jim, King of Queens, Grounded for Life, Still Standing, and even animated shows like Simpsons and Family Guy are designed to keep women down through male obesity. These television shows all have fat men, all with women who would never date fat men let alone commit their lives to vacuuming under their stomachs. Coach from Just the 10 of Us needed an entire hot family to support is fat ass. Is this just male fantasy run amuck, or is there something deeper? Here’s how the media fat cats are manipulating women: A single woman watches one of these shows and thinks, “Hmmm, if Stacey Carosi could only get Kevin James, and surely I’m not as good looking as Stacey Carosi, could I possibly do better than Kevin James?” Of course not, better settle for that mutant over there. Likewise if Courtney Thorne-Smith could only pull down John Belushi’s less talented brother, could you ever hope to be with a more talent brother? Not at all, fat dude sitcoms tell us better to be with a loser than no one at all.

The consolation prize for that slob on the couch is, at least, he’s funny. As if that’s something women want. Women then don’t actually like funny men, but are conditioned to settle for personality by the media. Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has the added bonus of also being wealthy. Sufficient money and humor will get you a Leah Remini or a Jami Gertz, or whatever B List actress you want. And who’s to benefit? Fat comedians, fat politicians, and your fat boyfriend, of course. Our entire entertainment industry is based on the concept of helping less attractive men get laid. That’s why underdog’s always get the girl in the end, to increase the potential of this actually happening in real life.

The conspiracy goes back to the early 1950’s in a possible underground meeting between Colonel Sanders, Winston Churchill, Fats Domino, the ghost of Fatty Arbuckle, and a 3-year-old Jerry Mathers (as the Beaver). Remember women’s suffrage was still fresh on the minds and the Women’s revolution was well on the horizon, the government had no choice but to come up with a plan. The question was put forth: How can we both stunt women empowerment and get hot women to date us? The answer was The Honeymooners. Jackie Gleason is the alpha fat man to Audrey Meadows’s omega hot chick. The Honeymooners was devised to keep women at bay through fear and intimidation, but in the funniest ways possible. Gleason was essentially asked to promote domestic abuse, but in a hee-hee sort of way. The lesson of every episode of the the Honeymooners: no matter how fat, dumb, and belligerent your man is, you better stick with him because there’s absolutely no alternative.

And if she doesn’t like your beer gut then it’s bang, zoom, to the moon.

There’s been some arguments about the Academy Awards excluding Farrah Fawcett and Bee Arthur, but one thing the Oscars did get right was starting their “In Memoriam” with Sir Patrick of Swayze. Bottom line, you always start with the best. Patrick Swayze is the greatest actor of our time and represents everything to everyone. This is not a mistake, this is not sarcasm, this is the truth. He represents man, woman, and everything in between, it’s kind of like the Holy Trinity except it’s all Patrick Swayze. So, why does he mean so much to the world? Patrick Swayze starred in arguably the ultimate chick flicks (Dirty Dancing, Ghost), the ultimate dude movies (Road House, Point Break), and the ultimate transsexual film (Too Wong Foo). No other actor before or since has been able to cross over all sexual genres with this degree of success.

What is it about Patrick Swayze that sparks our imagination? Why do women want him, men want to be him, and men want to be him as a woman (who would then want him as a man). Several possible explanations are available:

Mullet – Men love mullets, women love mullets, it’s a fact. This is the perfect hair cut for any male, female, or shemale. Classically speaking, we understand it as business in the front, party in the back, but a double meaning exists of dude in the front, lady in the back. The preferred hair cut of intellectual electrical tape loving do-gooders and indie lesbian pop stars everywhere. A hair cut this powerful could be dangerous on the wrong head.

Oil – Greasy muscles work for both men and women. Whether it’s an Arnold-like body builder or a Wonderful Woman of Wrestling, one thing they had in common were glistening muscles. This is so you can see every contour of their masculinity or femininity. And perhaps it crosses genders because we see our very selves in the the reflection of his muscles.

Wisdom – Patrick Swayze was always a source of unexpected wisdom. Swayze represented the mythic wise dude, a creature of legend like the minotaur or chupacabra. The wise dude is sort of like the bad boy with a heart of gold, but this is a dude with thoughts possibly of the deep variety. Attractive to women because of his dangerous outer shell and a creamy nerd filling. Swayze showcased this best with roles like a dancing philosopher, a bouncer philosopher, a surfing bank robber philosopher. He will break you, but with freestyle dance and Tai Chi. The Swayze character was a blend of oriental mysticism and poetic non-sense, all about peace, love, and gender equality. And for this men, women, and trannies follow him like a spiritual guru with the hopes of achieving the same kick-ass inner peace.

The world may be short one Patrick Swayze, but we all have a Patrick Swayze inside of us, and now is the time to let our Swayzes out. You are Patrick Swayze, your mom is Patrick Swayze, your dog is Patrick Swayze, he’s everywhere… he’s like the wind.