Wolf Gnards

It’s kind of hard to believe how poorly Scott Pilgrim vs The World did at the box office. Scott Pilgrim got bitch slapped by Sylvester Stallone and Julia Roberts of all people. It makes me worry about the state of this world, about the taste of my generation, am I just one gnard clapping in the wind? But I digress. Experts claim that that Scott Pilgrim failed to connect with males 18-35, that males 18-35 only care about old greasy muscles and old toothy grins. However, perhaps the problem was an overestimation of the general appeal of Michael Cera in that no man (or man/boy in the case of Cera) is more average than Cera, he’s wonderfully average, perhaps even beautifully average. The problem is no one dreams of being so average. No, who Michael Cera appeals to is girls, but only a very limited numbers of girls: the girls who want to date Michael Cera. And the only girls who want to date Michael Cera are girls who a) like to be in the driver’s seat or b) are terrified of being hurt again by a man/boy who is slightly above average and is willing to settle for less than. But I digress.

By not seeing Scott Pilgrim, what males 18-35 have over looked are GIRLS. Scott Pilgrim vs The World is filled with cute girls, and the last time I checked males 18-35 liked girls. But let’s think outside just the lovely ladies in the Scott Pilgrim film, let’s think for a second about all those Michael Cera loving girls watching the picture. Imagine if you will a theater packed with single girls with aspirations of average, just looking for someone (anyone) average to smooch. And guess who’s average and likes to smooch… this guy. But I digress.

Scott Pilgrim vs Cute Girls

Ramona Flowers vs Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Geek-appeal: Sky High, Death Proof

Stacey Pilgrim vs Anna Kendrick

Geek-appeal: Twilight (even though Twilight sucks)

Knives Chau vs Ellen Wong

Geek-appeal: Asian

Kim Pine vs Alison Pill

Geek-appeal: None

Envy Adams vs Brie Larson

Geek-appeal: None

Julie Powers vs Aubrey Plaza

Geek-appeal: Close proximity to Amy Poehler of SNL Upright Citizens Brigade fame

Roxy Richter vs Mae Whitman

Geek-appeal: Independence Day, Arrested Development Avatar: The Last Airbender (voice of Katara), American Dragon: Jake Long, meaning she works almost exclusively with Michael Cera and Rufio

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It’s hard to put my finger on my obsession with Amy Sedaris. You first probably met Amy as Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy, a forty-six year-old high school freshman—a boozer, a user, and a loser. Maybe, it wasn’t love at first sight, but it was close. It probably wasn’t until after I realized Jerri Blank wasn’t Amy Sedaris’ actual face, but a face she chose to make. Yes, she wanted to look like that.

It could be her crazy eyes. Most girls with crazy eyes are in the category of stalker, boil your bunny eyes, but Amy Sedaris has lovely crazy eyes. Like things are going to get weird, but in a good way, in a non-chopping up your limbs way, and that’s a good thing. These are wonderful crazy eyes full of acceptance and wonder.

Maybe, it’s something like if Sedaris has a fetish for the ugly, well, do I got the ugly for her. Although, I think it’s something deeper than just looks. It’s the feeling that not only would she accept all my idiosyncrasies, which are strange and arcane at best, but she would crave them. All strange men are looking for women who are not just willing enough to ignore the peculiarities, but to love them, and that’s just fantasy. Amy is that possibility.

I think it’s her dream of just being awful looking. Most beautiful women are very content being beautiful, but she wants to be hideous. That’s something you really have to admire. An her odd is odder than my odd. So, not only is she better looking than me, but she’s weirder than me, too. That’s a little intimidating. Amy married an imaginary husband named Glenn (her previous imaginary boyfriend, Ricky, was murdered). I’m both jealous of both Glenn for marrying Amy and for Amy for thinking up Glenn.

Sedaris mostly stars now as MILF’s and secretaries, Hollywood I guess just isn’t ready for the real Amy Sedaris, whoever that is.

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It seems because of Neytiri’s other worldly beauty in Avatar a certain exophilia has swept the nation. Exophilia being an attraction to strange, extraterrestrial, but essentially non-human lifeforms. The more bizarre the better. While, exophilia mainly references man on alien love, it’s not limited to the lures of outer space. Exophilia covers ghost fetishes and robot fetishes as well. For the most part, however, it is an extraterrestrial sex fetish… which inevitable leads us to the AILF (I’ll let you figure out this acronym on your own).

Who are the Sexiest Aliens of All Time?

What aliens would you want to beam you up? And who even qualifies as an alien? It’s easy to fall for most movie aliens. Is there anything to really consider with a Milla Jovovich in nothing but a few bandages, or Natasha Henstridge’s often hot tubbing alien or Tricia Helfer’s sexy Cylon. They’re attractive to everyone. This is not an alien fetish, this is just a run-of-the-mill hot girl fetish. It’s very fortunate for film makers that these alien life forms happen to fall into the highest standards of human beauty. Because who wants to love an ugly alien? A real exophile that’s who. If you find the Predator’s vagina mouth attractive then you just might have yourself a very healthy (albeit abnormal) extraterrestrial sex fetish.

Neytiri (Avatar)

There’s already an outstanding amount of porn on the internet dedicated to Avatar. Vast libraries were rapidly produced before Avatar even hit theaters. Porn moguls knew one thing, guys were going to like that blue naked chick. People are going crazy, chat rooms are lighting up bout guys running away to Pandora, and blue body paint is selling out at sex shops everywhere. The Na’vi really just don’t do it for me though. They’re just a little too perfect, a little too CGI. It’d be like wanting to have intercourse with the Gunstar spaceship from The Last Star Fighter. Someone turned on by a Na’vi is probably someone who also really likes fake, cartoonish looking boob jobs.

Sexy Klingons (Star Trek)

Star Trek figured out a great formula… pseudo intellectual scientific jargon + hot chick = damn good science fiction. However, Jeri Ryan and Jolean Blalock fall into the universally hot category. It takes some one with a real sci-fi kink to go for a Klingon. And those kinks certainly do exist… look no further than the The Miss Klingon Beauty Pageant. My favorite Klingons are B’Etor and Lursa in Generations, they did terrible things to Geordi La Forge, clawing and animal noises were involved. Klingon love is basically an S&M an fantasy turned up to nerd.

Anna (V)

Yes, Morena Baccarin falls into the normal standard deviations of hot, in fact, most of our definitions of hot are most likely based off of her. This is regular standard issue human hot. But if you’re family with V, you already know what the deal is. I know what’s under Anna, you know what’s under Anna, and the question is, do you care? Is she so good looking, you don’t care there’s a lizard lurking under that skin? And to be fair, judging from the outside, there’s a good chance there’s a sexy lizard underneath as well. I’m not saying I’d take any lizard, but a really good looking lizard, I’d have to think about it.

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Who is the Kindle Girl and Why do we Love her?

Nerds like books. Nerds like cute girls who would never like nerds. All making the Amazon Kindle campaign a win/win situation for nerds and unrequited cute girls everywhere. The girl we’ve all fallen for from the Kindle commercial is Annie Little and is a geek girl through association. Like all beautiful people, Little found bigger nerds to stand on the shoulders of and propel her to greater heights. Photographer Angela Kohler and producer Ithyle Griffiths—both big Kindle fans, both big geeks—asked Annie to participate in a stop motion project for an Amazon Kindle video contest. Annie also co-wrote and performed the Kindle’s theme song “Fly Me Away.”

Three factors aid in Annie Little’s major nerd appeal. The first being stop motion animation. Some of the greatest moments in geekery involved stop motion animation: King Kong, Star Wars‘ AT-AT’s, ED-209 (Robocop), and pretty much everything by Ray Harryhausen (who many believe to be just a fantastic special effect himself). So, we think, if I talked about Star Wars to Annie, she won’t possibly roll her eyes because she understands my pain and joy… and my stop motion. Not only that though, we think that if she’s willing to sit for a seven hour photo shoot, what else is she willing to sit through? Any number of impossibly nerdy movie marathons perhaps? My Klingon poetry?

The second thing we like is her uncanny resemblance to Kristen Bell (an actress familiar with many a nerd project—Flatland, Assassin’s Creed, Fanboys, Heroes). But it’s her work on Veronica Mars that she’s remembered best for. Veronica being a sassy high school detective is a sure fire way to get any Velma loving nerd’s heart a flutter. Jinkies. Although, it could be her distinct ability of not being Bell though that is even more attractive. While, the allusion of an actual Kirsten Bell may be gone, this is a fresh Kirsten Bell clone with all new allusions.

A second commercial has just cemented her in those hearts. Which brings us to the third reason, the possibility of nerd love. This is because the second commercial also starred a vaguely nerdy guy, Ryan Curry. Notice the glasses and the sciencey tubes, that’s to let the consumer know he’s a nerd, and notice Annie not running way and performing a new song, “Stole Your Heart” which vaguely alludes to possibly loving this nerd with the glasses and the bunsen burner (and the Jell-o pudding pop). Which brings us back to believing this girl will lay on the floor with us for several hours. She probably won’t but it’s fun to imagine.

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A little something to warm you up on those cold Klingon nights. Started at the 1999 Dragon*Con in Atlanta, The Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant brings together the model of Klingon loveliness from across the country. And perhaps, just perhaps, the idea Klingon female form is a little different from Earth standard… but who are we to judge? Bottom line: Worf likes him some junk in the trunk, and some junk above the trunk, and around the trunk… he just likes a lot junk everywhere, and who can blame him?

The contestants are judged on beauty, talent, and personality. Klingon talents are preferred, as long as it doesn’t endanger the contestants, the audience, or the “celebrity” judges. The last thing we need is a bloody bat’leth and a room full of dead nerds.

Miss Klingon Empire 1999
“Gunner H’nter”
Wants world peace through blunt force trauma.

Miss Klingon Empire 2000
“Ambassador K’Zeyhta”
Believes charity work is a dish best served cold.

Miss Klingon Empire 2001
“QeqiVah sutai-Lorenssith”
Enjoys long walks on the battlefield.

Miss Klingon Empire 2002
“Ruthar Sutai-Lorenssith”
Can’t find the Klingon home world on a map, but can find your face with her fist.

Miss Klingon Empire 2003
“Ma’Jon of the Clan IpaQ”
Wants a return to traditional family values… like stabbing.

Miss Klingon Empire 2004
“KheTara sutai-Lorenssith”
Wants to promote a better life for our children by killing more.

Miss Klingon Empire 2005
“Kita’ sutai-Juriss”
Considers herself a giver, a giver of pain.

Miss Klingon Empire 2006
“Rok’ela DevnoH”
Likes to relax with blood wine, Klingon opera, and breaking bones.

Miss Klingon Empire 2007
“VarkNa B’traughh”
Spare the phaser, spoil the child.

Miss Klingon Empire 2008
“Nej Vestai Le’nIvnav”
Worf… good. Me… Worf… like.

Miss Klingon Empire 2009
“Warrior Ariam”
Her biggest strength: Torturing with painsticks.
Biggest weakness: She cares too much about torturing with painsticks.

By the looks of things, I think the contest could use some young blood. If you’re a comely Klingon lass in the Atlanta area, join up because you can sweep the competition. You’ll probably even get to make out with the likes of Robert Picardo or LeVar Burton or Robert Picardo… no, not doing it for you? Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk).

Note:
In accordance with Robert Picardo’s representatives, we have removed a link to Mr. Picardo’s official website. Mr. Picardo DOES NOT endorse this post, this website, or to Wolf Gnards’ knowledge any Star Trek tribute. This blog DOES NOT have prior knowledge of or endorse any sort of intimate relationship with Mr. Picardo (be it sexual, drunk, or otherwise).

Further discussion can be found at our formal apology to Robert Picardo.

In my brief Topanga diatribe, someone brought up a very good point. J.M.S. Esq. said, “The most striking thing about Ms. Fishel is her prominent — aggressive, even — bosom. Where the female romantic leads on other teen sitcoms like the Wonder Years and Saved By The Bell were pre-pubescent cute or that asexual acne-medication-commercial attractive, Topanga was a big breasted earth mother of a crush.”

This is a very good point because Topanga’s “aggressive bosom” does seem to go against everything a teen comedy or drama stands for. However, let us remember that Topanga started out as a regular little girl no aggressiveness to speak of, unless network execs measured both her mother’s and paternal grandmother’s bras they would have no way of knowing what they’ve gotten themselves into. Just as young actors can age out of parts, they can grow out of roles as well, and Topanga is a prime example of what is more commonly referred to as the Punky Brewster Paradox or the MMPTB (Massively Massive Pre-Teen Boobs). Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye grew not only out of most teenage roles, but out of adult movie roles as well.

The problem is large breasts on shows geared for the 13 and under segment are just confusing for everyone. These kids past breast feeding, but not quite ready to do anything else with breasts. However, ratings require that sexy thoughts are had by all: prepubescent lads coming into their own, pervy old men, and both good girls looking to be sluttier and slutty girls looking to be gooder (yes, gooder). It’s a Catch-22, you can’t get the boys with out the girls watching, you can’t get the girls watching without older pervs watching, and you can’t get the pervs without the young boys. To accomplish this, network executives simply take a young looking nymphet, tart her up, put her in a compromising situation or two, and all the while retaining a virginal under tone (notice the purity ring, that means she’s Disney approved).

A simple formula for casting a teen drama, comedy, or the ever increasingly syrupy sweet dramedy goes as follows: Teenage girl plus wholesome back story multiplied by skimpy outfits divided by breast size.

Or

(t+w)s/80085

Teen plus scandalous background times prime and proper clothing divided by breast size, also, works.

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