Wolf Gnards

I’ve been thinking a lot about life recently. Life and love and what does it all mean, but mostly I’ve been thinking of Cthulhu. Cthulhu: one of the Great Old Ones of Lovecraft lore. The Great Priest, The Sleeping God, that humongous squid-faced bat-winged god. If you’re into doomsday cults then this is the deity for you. Cthulhu is everywhere. There’s Cthulhu comics, Cthulhu t-shirts, Cthulhu for President, Hello Cthulhu, My Little Cthulhu, Cthulhu cereal. But my question is why? Why Cthulhu? How did Cthulhu enter the public consciousness? Could it be possible that the entire internet has become Lovecraftian experts? Did the whole of humanity run out and get PhD’s in early 20th Century horror fantasy while I wasn’t looking (most likely when I was in the bathroom). The problem is H.P. Lovecraft really isn’t that popular, his lasting appeal has always been because he influenced people who then created work that other people actually enjoyed. So, how did this Cthulhu mania come to be?

Every few years someone (re)discovers H.P. Lovecraft and consequently new generations are introduced to the joys of Cthulhu. A lot of it is because of films like The Evil Dead series, Re-Animator, Into the Mouth of Madness, and games like Alone in the Dark that may not directly reference Cthulhu but touch upon Lovecraft’s Cthulhu mythos. The 80’s was a hot bed for Cthulhu activity with perhaps The Evil Dead’s Necronomicon at the epicenter. Sam Raimi released the first Evil Dead in 1981, Evil Dead II in 1987, and Army of Darkness in 1993. Steve Jackson’s card game Illuminati first debuted in 1981 and featured multiple references to Cthulhu. Metallica’s second album Ride the Lightning (1984) featured an instrumental called “The Call of Ktulu.” In 1987,The Real Ghostbusters cartoon had an episode called “The Collect Call of Cathulhu”. In 1988, Blue Öyster Cult released a concept album that was a tribute to, you guessed it, Cthulhu. All of this meaning that if you rolled D&D dice and listened to metal in a your mother’s basement sometime in the 80’s then you were probably quite familiar with the old gods.

Those nerds would grow up and make art themselves, and with that art came more Cthulhu. Neil Gaiman has made numerous Cthulhu and Lovecraft references throughout his graphic novels and other work. The webcomic, Penny Arcade, has also mentioned Cthulhu quite a bit since it launched in 1998. So, Cthulhu went from Lovecraft to Sam Raimi to Steve Jackson to Metallica to Ghostbusters to Neil Gaiman to Penny Arcade and finally to you. Making you five or six times removed from the source material, and, maybe, this is why Cthulhu has gotten progressively more goofy as time goes on. Which still doesn’t explain our love for Cthulhu. Perhaps, it just reminds of us of other lost loves: Futurama’s lovable Dr. Zoidberg, for instance, or the Hall of Doom, which also resembled Darth Vader (Nothing is more bad ass than living inside a giant metal Darth Cthulhu head).

Precursors to Cthulhu?

Since, no one has read Lovecraft and most of those who have don’t particularly like him, wouldn’t it be easier to say, “I like Neil Gaiman” instead of “I like Cthulhu?” There’s no nerd cred in that though. There’s no point in liking the thing, you have to like the thing that the thing likes, in this case, Cthulhu. We always have to latch on to the most obscure reference even if we don’t 100% understand it ourselves. The more obscure it is, the more well informed and knowledgeable we appear to be. The cult of Cthulhu is like geek peer pressure. The internet has changed us into teenage girls.

“Oh, you don’t know who Cthulhu is? That’s so sad.”

“What!? No… I love Cthulhu. I was born with Cthulhu. All I think about is Cthulhu.”

“Whatever… I’m like totes into Yog-Sothoth now.”

And that’s Cthulhu for you. Although, I still don’t have any answers for Cthulhu’s tentacled pop culture cousin: Flying Spaghetti Monster.

It’s that time of year again, time to cut some eye holes in your mother’s good linens or dig out your cat ears and black body suit. Of course, uou can always go as a hobo again or cut a hole in a pizza box for the always classy 12″ Italian sausage, but, maybe, one of these will spark your imagination.

Nothing says sexy quite like Chewbacca

Geekologie finally uncovers the female Wookie… much blonder than I had imagined. Although, according to the source illustrations, female Wookies probably had six breasts. However, this is nice, too. Take a second and look closely… notice the interesting logo placement?

Alien Power Loader

You need to have some building skills for this Power Loader costume from Alien featured on Great White Snark. Building skills + free time, actually. Mad building skills + endless free time – girlfriend. Still very awesome.

Cloud from Final Fantasy VII

Topless Robot found this 32-bit Cloud cosplay costume. If he could spin a giant ass blocky cardboard sword above his head, he’d be perfect.

Jared Leto

Always a Halloween staple. Now you can finally reenact all your favorite scenes from My So Called Life.

I’m concerned about the growing trend of naked werewolves. Yes, that’s right, Wolf Gnards is against wolf gnards. It used to be a Wolfman wore torn pants and little ripped shirt, you could probably even throw a tattered hat on Lon Chaney, Jr. This was a Wolfman and a gentleman. However, werewolves today either immediately burst out of the pants during a full moon or gnaw them off throughout the night. Consequently, there’s always that scene where the guy wakes up naked in the woods or a field somewhere and has to somehow make it home… that’s called the Werewolf Walk of Shame. The Walk of Shame has become more and more prevalent with the ever more common werewolves that are really just big wolves: True Blood, Twilight, Blood & Chocolate, Ginger Snaps, back to An American Werewolf in London. There are very few Michael J. Fox shorts wearing dunking werewolves around anymore, either they’re too big for pants or they’re all animal instinct (and that instinct is to get out those pants). It’s like when I put leg warmers on my cat to try to recreate scenes from the Heathcliff cartoon, she kicks them off almost instantly, but I wouldn’t put leg warmers on my cat because that’s weird, right?

I haven’t read any of the Twilight books, I fear even opening the books could cause a sort of Raiders of the Lost Ark type disaster. So, I went to the mall and asked some local teenage girls, “What do the werewolves do about pants?” And the general consensus was, “Schmeh!” So, I asked some 40-year-old Twilightian experts (AKA Woo Girls – for their propensity to scream, “Wooooooooo!”), and they said, “Eh-schme-eh-eeeeeh!” followed by “Wooooooo!” These in-depth and insightful answers lead me to believe that no one has ever actually read any of the Twilight series. One Twilight fan did manage to say that she thought the werewolves of Twilight took their pants off before they transformed and tied them to their ankles, so they’d have pants later. This, however, cannot be confirmed since like I said no one has read the books. Tying pants just sounds like a lot of work to me, assuming they’re not wearing stripper pants, it would probably take a minute or two minutes to get your pants off and properly tied (and you know you’re going to have to double knot those pants because you’re going to be frolicking the shit out of those woods). You wouldn’t have time to tie pants around your ankles before a throw down either. If a Vampire is coming at you, you can’t yell “Time out!” and tie your pants around your ankles unless, of course, you’re Zack Morris, and Zack Morris as far as I’m aware is not a werewolf.

So, what’s a werewolf to do? You have to wolf out, but you’d like to do so while keeping your wolf bits hidden. Oz on Buffy the Vampire Slayer took to both locking himself up and stripping himself down because he had a problem with both killing people and ruining his favorite t-shirts. Plus, his clothes would be nicely folded waiting for him when he reverted back to human form. It doesn’t solve the nudity problem entirely, but this is an actual viable answer to the werewolf pants dilemma, though not everyone has access to a metal cage in the school library, and what kind of school library has a cage anyway? Although, half the time he didn’t make it to cage, so you still have to deal with getting around naked at some point.

I have a couple of answers:

I have two words for you: Fur… pants. Werewolves who wear pants are like dogs in tiny sweaters, there’s something not right about it and you know that the other werewolves are secretly making fun of him. The obvious answer then is camouflage. My solution is fur pants, fur pants in human form makes a lovely fashion statement, awhile seamlessly blends in with a werewolf form. This way a werewolf can wear pants without that unsightly pants look. You don’t appear odd as a werewolf and when you wake up as a human again, you have pants! PETA might not be happy about the fur, but they also are not happy about werewolves stealing chickens in the night, so screw them.

Solution #2: Pants in trees. This is a werewolf game changer. Tree branches are like nature’s closet hanger, so why not use them the way god intended? Before the full moon, you systematically hang pants all throughout the forest. Then when you wake up from your wolfing spree, you can just stumble to the nearest tree and put on some trousers. This method works with gaucho pants, board shorts, slacks, lederhosen, jeans, breeches, culottes, capris, pantaloons, pleats, chinos, or whatever; the possibilities are endless. The only downside is that lumberjacks will probably get suspicious after seeing hundreds of trees wearing pants.

Lastly, all I have to say is stretchy purple Hulk pants. If it’s good enough for Team Banner, it’s good enough for you.

Let’s put an end to wolf gnards!

I find few things band people together like Rufio. Hook‘s Rufio is a cultural phenomenon that can really only be appreciated by a generation of kids who grew up watching the countless reruns on TBS. Just mutter Rufio anyplace—try the middle of the grocery store and the produce guy will scream, “Ru-fi-oooooooo!” or “Bangarang!” or “Bangarang, Rufio!” Hook might have missed the mark as a film, but Rufio seems to have connected with everyone who has seen it. No one wanted to be a middle aged Peter Pan, or an overly effeminate Captain Hook, or an obese Lost Boy. We wanted to be Rufio because Rufio symbolized revolution.

I’ve had a ton of people tell me how much they love Rufio/Dante Basco. Hundreds nay thousands nay millions… one billion people have told me that all they ever think about in this world is Rufio (well, maybe, a dozen or so and they probably think about other things, too, but that’s still a hell of a lot people who want to talk to me about Rufio). And I don’t have any real connection to Basco or Rufio besides the fact that we’re both Asian and can still pass for high school students. I also wrote an article about how I love spotting Basco on TV (That oh-snap-that’s-Rufio moment), but who doesn’t enjoy that? At first, I thought everyone loves Rufio because he represented the elusive “cool” Asian. Rufio defied all Asian movie stereotypes, he was neither good with computers nor a ninja of some sort; one of the few characters to this very day to exist outside those conventions. He was just a dude that loves wind skateboarding and his punk rock hair. But it’s more than that.

There’s something in the way we bangarang, there’s something in the way we shout “Ru-fi-ooooo!” Rufio is a figure of insurrection and these are the screams for revolution, especially to the mind of a child. When Robin Williams asked, “Where are the adults?” Rufio answered that all adults are pirates and they kill pirates. Adults are the plunders, whore seekers, rum drinkers, grog lovers, avasters (avast, matey), walk the plankers, all with their little parakeets on their shoulder. Rufio gave us tools for rebellion, mostly temper tantrums and stabbing.

Like Che Guevara, Rufio has become a counterculture figure. And like Che Guevara, Rufio is a revolutionary figure in only the most pop cultural surface of ways. No one really cares about the Cuban Revolution or Marxism, but only t-shirts and how cool Guevara looks on said t-shirt. The Rufio revolution is also a thing of t-shirts and catch phrases. Let’s take a closer look though, and put Hook into the context of American politics. Peter Pan represents the Democrat: lost, well-meaning, and filled with a certain guilt masked behind child-like wonder. Captain Hook, of course, is the Republican: concerned with doubloons and self importance, a certain dignity and honor (only a little though), and fear of crocodiles (all Republicans fear crocodiles, it’s a proven fact). Rufio is youthful rebellion against whatever establishment may be at hand. He’ll fight Hook, he’ll fight Peter, it doesn’t matter because he hates The Man. You may recall one of Rufio’s famous tantrums, “You man, you stupid, stupid, man.” Which was followed by a thrown coconut, and who hasn’t thrown a coconut at their parents, or a shoe at a politician.

Perhaps, Rufio’s influence on revolution plays a larger part in America’s current political climate, meaning a certain righteous indignation with little to no follow up. We’re quick to follow, we’re quick to protest—picket signs always at the ready, but we’re also very quick to forgot about whatever the latest cause may be. When you think about it Rufio was eager to go to war, he could fight, he could crow, but in the end there was a very little actual bite to his squawk. Eager to fight, raring to get involved, but he is quickly killed and needs to be bailed out by a magical middle-aged white man.

Perhaps, the fatal flaw with Rufio as counterculture figure is this: ultimately Rufio just wanted to be normal. Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up and ran away from home as a baby to avoid doing so. All Captain Hook wanted was to kill Peter Pan and he stayed the course. Since he kidnapped Peter’s children, he obviously could have returned to the real world whenever he wished, but he chose to stay and he chose to lure Peter back because he wanted to kill not Peter Banning but the Pan. Rufio, however, for all his teen angst, for all his rebellion, simply wanted to return to the status quo. He dreamed to be Peter’s son (and to return to being a normal child… period).

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Not too long ago, I was at show and the opening act was an incredibly horrible hipster band. Western button down shirts, big Harry Caray glasses, porn star mustaches, the whole shebang. I would try to look up exactly what band it was, but I’m afraid even touching upon that horribleness again will send me into a spiral that I will never be able to recover from. They had sort of a throwback 80’s synth sound (which as a child of the 80’s I have no problem in and of itself – I will be wanging the proverbial chung tonight), but it sounded like this was the first time they ever performed together or picked up their respective instruments. The thing that really stuck with me though is that I couldn’t figure out if this band just happened to be hipsters and happened to be awful or if they were intentionally trying to be awful. As in being awful was a personal choice and some statement they were trying to make. Their awfulness was some sort of grand ironic statement: they’re here, they’re terrible, get used to it. Which begs the question: do hipsters understand irony?

Most of hipster culture is built upon a thick layer of the kitsch. Kitsch meaning to find beauty, value, and art in seemingly worthless or tasteless objects. They are going to surround themselves by a series of things or objects or concepts that everyday people tossed aside and will defend these discarded pop items with somber intensity. The problem is just because something—a shirt, a song, a hairstyle—is horrible doesn’t mean it’s kitsch. The hipster problem is perhaps a complete misunderstanding of the term ironic. It’s the mindset that says bad = good. In the hipster world, if something sucks it is ironic because they believe themselves to not suck. Which formulates to something along the lines of:

Sucks = Cool if Cool ≠ Sucks

This is the principle behind a non-cowboy wearing a cowboy shirt at concerts playing what can only be described as uncountry music.

However, as you can see, this is not quite right. Irony is when the surface meaning and the underlying meaning of what is said are not the same creating an incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs. There’s a contextuality to irony that Hipsters seem to ignore. Two major events in the past 20 years have aided in this misconception. The problem perhaps first developed with Alanis Morissette in her song “Ironic” (which is actually ironically titled because nothing in the song is ironic). This song established irony for an entire generation of young minds, and established it incorrectly. The song is a list of great ironies, instead of listing ironic instances, Alanis simply lists things that are bad. Let’s look at the song: It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay. It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. All of which are bad, none of them being actually ironic. This will eventually lead to the hipster mind associating irony with bad. However, it is not the object itself being bad which makes it ironic, but your relationship with the object. So, rain on your wedding day is not ironic, rain on your wedding day and you’re marrying a weather man, slightly ironic. Similarly, that cowboy shirt is only ironic if you’re standing next to a shirtless cowboy. Irony is more about personal relationships and underlining context than mass compilation of dissimilar possessions or ideas; hipsters have become little more than pop culture hoarders.

The other major footnote in the hipsters misunderstanding of irony is from Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. Ethan Hawke is the poster boy for indie douches everywhere and indie girls who can’t understand that a guy’s total indifference is not deep and secret longing. It’s just indifference. But back to Hawke and irony. When asked to define irony, he famously states, “It’s when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.” Which is a good sounding answer. It seems very much correct. But this would mean that all opposites are ironic and doesn’t take in the incongruous nature of the situation. Irony has no negative or positive values, and while an ironic relationship can be caused through polar opposition, it is not necessarily the only cause. Hawke ultimately feeds into the this thing sucks/I don’t suck philosophy. This isn’t irony, but grade school opposite day. And in large part hipsters skate by playing an endless game of opposite day. Dorky is the opposite of cool meaning this cowboy shirt is cool.

All I know is that bars by me are charging 5 bucks Pabst Blue Ribbon and kids are running around with the same glasses as me (but with no lenses), thank you Ethan Hawke and Alanis Morissette.

And on the eighth day there was Gadget. And Gadget said unto thy ‘Go forth my Rangers and Rescue… verily.’ Apparently, there’s a Russian cult based on the wonders of Rescue Rangers’ Gadget Hackwrench. From various pictures posted on English Russia, the Gadget Religion appears to involve mostly marching in the slow with a giant Gadget banner, eating dinner next to a giant Gadget banners, playing acoustic versions of Rescue Rangers theme song, and candy that perhaps may or may not be used to lure in small children.

Elsewhere on the Interwebs

Nothing says loving like PB&J in a can.

And the most accomplish murderer is… Dolph Lundgren. I would have thought Rambo for sure. That’s as surprising as the Expendables mopping the floor with Scott Pilgrim.

A Ghostbusters, Goonies, and Gremlins Art Show. I don’t know art, but I know what I like.

Speaking of art. Pencil tip micro sculptures by Dalton Ghetti. Unbelievable.

The Cute Side of Force.