Wolf Gnards

Two nerds enter, one nerd survives. Fact Pile puts up the ultimate pop culture head to heads. These Comic Book Battles pit some of our favorite characters against each other like Heroes vs. X-men. This would be a pretty even fight considering Heroes would just do the same exact moves as X-men, but with 60% more racial stereotypes.

This site makes me want to do my own nerd battle:

Steve Urkel vs. Samuel “Screech” Powers

They both invented artificial intelligent robots: Urkelbot and Kevin. They both dated girls out of their league: Urkel had both Myra and Laura, Screech had Tori Spelling and Kelly Kapowski (one very special episode). And they both apparently liked to fold their arms.

Urkel Pros

• Can transform into Stefan Urquelle and Bruce Lee Urkel
• Has a jet pack!
• Friend in Corner: Eddie Winslow
• Legions of identical cousins
• Signature catch phrase: Did I do that?
• Cheese

Urkel Cons

• Higher Pitched voice (Despite the fact that Screech is named Screech)
• Typical nerd glasses
• Tight pants
• The Urkel Dance

Screech Pros

• Actually won on celebrity boxing
• Chess champion
• Friends in Corner: Zach Morris and A.C. Slater

Screech Cons

• Never got Lisa Turtle
• Curly hair
• Grew into fat jerk
• Screech porn

Winner: Urkel

Check out Fact Pile for more Character Battles!

Absolutely nothing happened in the last episode of Heroes. The Hiro Meter fell asleep through most of it actually. Hiro ran around a looney bin, said some gibberish, and got his speech back, but none of it was particularly important or interesting. And none of it effected the Asian race. He did neither nor bad, just an average Asian experience.

And speaking of average Asian experiences, someone came to Wolf Gnards today looking for a B.D. Wong action figure. I looked around and couldn’t find anything. Does such a thing exist? And if it does, can anyone find proof of it?

If Hiro gets an action figure with his meager accomplishes, surely the pinnacle of Asian averageness Mr. Bradley Darryl Wong deserves an action figure of his own.

B.D. comes with official Asian diploma, dinosaur, and action utility knife (bolas bazooka optional).

I put this together at OnDemand Action Figure. A fun site to play with, but crazy expensive. Sorry, B.D., you’re just not worth it.

Figuring out Time Machine speeds reminded me about my all time favorite temporal anomalies and paradoxes. For those of you unfamiliar with Star Trek or comic books or science fiction of any kind, a temporal anomaly is any sort of change a time traveler causes in his or her many wacky time travel adventures. It’s the butterfly effect, where a butterfly’s wings in the past cause this thing to happen that cause this other thing to happen and so on and so on until Toaster Strudels were never invented. A temporal paradox is a temporal anomaly which causes the time traveler to never go back in time to create the temporal anomaly that made him never go back in time. Huh? This is how perfectly good universes are ruined.

Back to the Future II for example has my all time favorite paradox. To avoid spoilers, I suggest if you’ve never seen Back to the Future II to leave this website and never return. Go on… I’m not kidding… hit the back button, it’s in the upper left corner there.

The original Back to the Future was about Marty McFly trying to stop a paradox from happening, i.e. changing the past to prevent his birth and consequently never going back in time to change the past that prevented his birth. Back to the Future II, however, throws out all pretense of temporal anomalies in favor of hover boards. Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg don’t want you to look at the plot, they want you to look at hover boards. Look there’s a hover board. Don’t look at the temporal paradox. Four hover boards and a baseball bat! Don’t look at the paradox. But we all looked at the paradox, even as a young boy I knew something just wasn’t right.

Old Biff stole the DeLorean and gave young Biff the Gray’s Sports Almanac from the future, which created an alternate timeline. Doc and Marty travel back to alternate 1985 and wackiness ensues (gambling and fires and shotguns, oh my). They then travel further back in time to prevent all this from happening. The problem is the timeline veers the moment old Biff gives young Biff the sports almanac meaning old Biff could never travel back to his original timeline to conveniently drop off the time machine for Doc and Marty to travel back in time in. Old Biff would travel to a future 2015 where he was a millionaire and Hill Valley was in ruins. Furthermore, alternate Biff muddied the timeline enough to prevent time travel from being invented and Doc Brown and Marty from ever meeting: Doc was in an insane asylum and Marty was sent to private school.

Old Biff should have given young Biff the almanac and then the universe should have imploded, where old Biff and young Biff float in a white void of nothingness calling each other “Butt Head” for rest of eternity.

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Wolf Gnards is officially one year old today, and its been one hell of a year. I got a few complaints, I got a little praise, and my blog even crashed from traffic! What started out as just a random collection of my nerdy thoughts has evolved into, well, a random collection of my nerdy pop culture thoughts… with a few charts and graphs thrown in. Through a series of hits and misses (mostly misses), I slowly figured out what this blog was about. I nerd pop culture. I pick apart and over-analyze mundane movies, TV shows, and celebrities. Why? Because it’s fun. I’ve graphed the Coreys and I’ve formulated on Gremlins, and maybe I’ll eventually hit on something resembling a point.

The response has been overwhelming and unanimous, the critics have spoken… GET A LIFE. With a few jabs at my sex life or lack thereof thrown in for good measure. All I ask is if you’re going to crack wise, at least, be original. My work might not important in the grand scheme of things, but maybe in the most minor of schemes. I like to think though that I’m answering the questions that no one cared to ask, but still care to know.

My Top Ten Blog Posts of 2009

Based on website traffic, these are my most popular pages of my first year of Wolf Gnards.

10. Nickelodeon’s Doug was Racist

Actually this is the perfect article to demonstrate how some people just don’t understand this blog or my sense of humor. Doug being the most racist show on television is, of course, a joke, but it’s also kind of true, too.

9. How Rich is Scrooge McDuck?

It turns out very rich.

8. Top Girls in Glasses

What can I say, I enjoy a nerdy girl.

7. Wonder Woman’s Bondage History

A look back at when men were men, women were amazons, and comics were kinky.

6. Nerd vs. Geek

Little more than an excuse to say nerd and geek a number of times: nerd, nerd, nerd, geek, geek, geek.

5. Analysis of the Ever Lovely Natalie Portman

Of course, Natalie makes the top ten list. I usually end of writing about her, at least, once a week. It’s kind of like OCD, but cuter.

4. Breakdown of my Tegan and Sara Crush

By this point you can already see the secret to my success: mention a girl. If you obsess over her, nerds will follow. This is where I learn that girl + lesbian + sisters = even more traffic.

My photoshop skills at their best. Plus a little of my nerdy pop culture gibberish and an excuse to roll out some pictures of Zooey Deschanel.

Longer than I thought he would. Tauntauns are hot.

1. How Long Does Bill Murray Spend Trapped in Groundhog Day?

Appropriate that it’s the most popular article on my site because this is where I figured out what Wolf Gnards was about. Before Groundhog Day, Wolf Gnards was just a blog written by a nerd about various things that interested him (mostly TV and movies), and changed into a pop culture blog with nerd intentions. They may sound similar, but it made all the difference in the world.

Thanks for all the support and let’s hope 2010 brings even more nerdy goodness.

Look what was waiting under my Christmas tree…

The Short Round Mighty Mugg! I didn’t even know it existed and now I don’t know how I ever lived without it. What does Short Round do? Absolutely nothing, but with that level of awesomeness why would he need to do anything? As we know, he is perhaps the greatest thespian of our time, and he’s sitting on my book shelf.

Short Round is an exclusive from Entertainment Earth, so you better run out and stock up why supplies last. When the Asian revolutions comes, you’ll be glad you did. These things will be like gold bricks.