Wolf Gnards

Borders Bookstores are removing graphic novels from many of their stores. So, to combat declining sales, Borders decided to sell fewer books? Create fewer reasons to enter the store? That’s like if sales in McDonald’s were down to decide to stop selling French Fries. I for one love French Fries… and coincidentally love graphic novels. It’s one of the few reasons I go to Borders. So, why would Borders stop selling comic books; well, essentially they’re saying they don’t want my kind.

There hasn’t been a more egregious insult to the book reading public since the Nazi book burnings. Sounds funny, at first, but take in all the persecutions comic book nerds have endured. It might actually be more reminiscent of the 1948 comic book burnings when a group of priests, teachers, and parents took it upon themselves to burn hundreds of comic books. Of course, it also brings to mind Fredric Wertham’s Seduction of the Innocent, the book the helped create the comic backlash of the 50’s. Wertham claimed comics were immoral and caused anti-social behavior and even homosexuality (Batman & his ol’ chum, Robin, as proof). Have comic books ever really recovered from that stigma? On a smaller, more personal level, how many bullies have ripped in two an Amazing Spider-Man #315 featuring the return of Venom? How many mother’s have thrown away vast comic book collections. Almost with a sad desperation, comic book fans have tried to be taken seriously, have clung to the illusion of respectability. What Borders is saying is that comic books are not literature. What Borders is saying is that comic books don’t belong with the literary excellence of People Magazine and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. Personally, I don’t have a problem with Twilight or Harry Potter, but if Borders is going to sell Twilight necklaces they can damn well sell X-men comics. Borders isn’t calling for the end of comic books like Wertham, they’re simply labeling comic books as irrelevant. Perhaps, in a lot of ways that’s much worse.

Read more »

Nerds everywhere mourn the passing of Dom DeLuise. Deluise, 75, died May 4, 2009 after a long fight with cancer. What made him a great nerd was his spectacular rise to fame. Here was man, overweight, strangely bearded, slightly effeminate, and a major ham, yet we all love him for it. He gave hope to the unpopular, and helped create a nerd genre: the goofy sidekick. All a nerd needs to be accepted is the approval of one cool kid, in DeLuise’s case: a one Mr. Burt Reynolds Jr.

And to a certain generation that is a little too young for Cannonball Run, Dom DeLuise’s other great achievement was his seed. If you were born between 1975 and 1985, you’re bound to be familiar with a DeLuise. His progeny have infiltrated every aspect of popular culture. Spotting a DeLuise is like finding Waldo: 21 Jump Street, Gilmore Girls, Encino Man, they’re everywhere. You can recognize a Mini-DeLuise by their unmistakable Douche-appeal.

A sad day for nerds. A sad day for fat kids. A sad day for lovable douches.

Oh… and I know this is Chris Farley, but I hope this makes Dom DeLuise’s Oscar montage.

Break out those Chewie Cakes because it’s another beautiful Star Wars Day. They say on Star Wars Day Eve the Ghost of Obiwan Kenobi brings lightsabers and candies to all the good little younglings. And if the moon is full and stars are aligned that if you listen real hard you can hear Darth Vader weeping like a gaybot over the loss of that sweet, sweet Natalie Portman. Mmmmmm… Portman.

And Remember, May the 4th be with you.

Who is the Shadow Hare? Cincinnati Superhero

Obviously the Shadow Hare uses his skinny body and high pitch voice to strike fear in the hearts of criminals. And Shadow knows much like Batman that criminals are essentially a superstitious and cowardly lot, so he has taken on the mantle of the bunny. It’s a proven fact that gang bangers just don’t like fluffy rabbits, being in the city, they’re just not used to such woodland creatures.

You can check out Shadow Hare’s crime fighting stats at the Super Hero Registry: also browse a wide variety of other real life superheros (delusional virgins). But Shadow’s not so bad, he’s a member of a team, so you know he has at least four people to get beat up with him. Nothing says friendship like going to the hospital together. Also, there’s even a girl in his super hero group. Perhaps they’ve held hands or he’s taken her out for milkshake after their daring do (mostly giving sandwiches to the homeless).

Check out Shadow Hare’s MySpace page, which is also incidentally how Cincinnati’s police chief contacts the Shadow Bunny. The Bunny Signal is on back order.

Favorite quote: I’m sure he wouldn’t recognize us because he’s blind, but I’m sure he’ll recognize the taste of good meal, wouldn’t you say, old chum?

Favorite Real Life Superhero Team: The Justice Society of Justice

And before you rip on them too much, remember, at least, they’ve done some for society, something lame and embarrassing, but they’ve done something.

These next Uggie winners represent a very special sort of ugly. What do James Taylor and Brian Posehn have in common? Dulcet tones? Nope. Nerd rage? Not that I know of. Posehn and Taylor happen to suffer the same fate as most jocks in high school, that being they were formerly handsome. More than that though, not only are they not handsome, but they have strayed into the stratosphere of ugly. The only thing worse than being pug fugly is knowing the sweet taste of beauty.

If you follow 30 Rock then you’re probably familiar with the “handsome bubble.” The idea is that the extremely handsome have no concept of rules or regulations, everything is always done for them, and they pretty much live a different reality than our own. This explains why so many beautiful people are dumb as rocks, does beauty and stupidity simply go hand in hand or does the brain go into atrophy from years of disuse? However, not only can this handsome bubble burst, but it can implode. Turning beauty into beast, and can this beast possibly be ready to deal with the real world, a real world of getting parking tickets and paying bills on time?

James Taylor

James Taylor is classic singer song writer, who surprisingly enough is known more for his musical ability than his good looks. However, your mother or grandmother would probably argue that point. If you were alive in 60’s and 70’s the biggest reason to buy James Taylor records were for his album covers. He had thick shampoo commercial hair and the face of an angel, the face of a goddamn angel, I tell you. By the 80’s his once long hair was rapidly receding. But it’s more than hair loss because bald men can be attractive (Dee Dee says Ben Kingsley is a Sexy Beast). His face started going sour around the same time… just small changes, slightly harsher feature. His skin now looks like it was burned by boiler room furnace after the neighborhood parents caught him molesting their children. OK, so he’s not the Freddy Krueger or the Elephant Man, but it’s really the fall that I find fascinating from beautiful to handsome to average to slightly below average. Maybe, not trollish, but the bubble has certainly burst. One funny note, the majority of pictures of old James Taylor have the very top of his head cropped out as if no one will notice he’s bald.

Brian Posehn

Brian Posehn: now we’re talking ugly. This is the dictionary definition of ugly. If Taylor was boderlined, Posehn has hit critical mass. If you’re familiar with Brian Posehn’s early work like on Just Shoot Me, you’d probably say, “He was always weird looking.” Or if you’re more familiar with The Sarah Silverman Program that he was always “gigantic, orange, and gay.” And while in real life he is not gay, he really is that gigantic and orange. However, what you may not know about Brian Posehn is that he used to be handsome. Not gorgeous like Taylor, but certainly not circus ugly. Brian Posehn was the All-American boy. Posehn used to have long flowing blond hair and a trim build, just a typical California surfer dude. Early on he was known as the Keanu Reeves of comedy. And somewhere along the line he went from Surfer von Dudenstein to the heavy metal nerd we all know and love. I don’t know if it was gradual or over night ugly, but it him and it hit Brian Posehn hard. Perhaps it was something like this: Brian wakes up and finds the spot next to him in bed empty. This spot has never been empty! So, he had to find a way to fill it again. If he had any musical ability he would have become a heavy metal guitar god… next best thing: a nerd comedian.

Honorable mention: Jan-Michael Vincent (However, he had his face ground by car accidents, so I don’t think he counts)

Your reporter in ugly,
J. Douglas Musashi

A day late and saving roll short, but Dungeons & Dragons co-creator, Dave Arneson passed away April 10, 2009, after a 2 year battle with cancer. Just a year ago, Gary Gygax, D & D’s other co-creator, passed away March 4, 2008. I haven’t played D & D since junior high, but it’s still sort of a sad occasion. But perhaps all is well and Gygax and Arneson is rolling ability scores for that big character sheet in the sky.

Dave Arneson’s interest in gaming started with wargames like Avalon Hill’s Gettysburg. Arneson and Gygax formed a friendship through a shared interest in sailing ship and navel games. These pen and paper games would eventually evolve into Chainmail, then Blackmoor, and finally Dungeons and Dragons. Arenson kept more of a low profile than the more up front Gygax.

Gary Gygax was known as the father of the tabletop role-playing game, and in turn the grandfather of all RPG’s. Gygax helped develop all the role playing conventions that have become standard—hit points, character classes, and leveling up. Dungeons & Dragons and later Advanced Dungeons & Dragons would go on to influence video games like Final Fantasy and Fallout. Gygax first started taking part in wargaming clubs at various comic book conventions in the 1960’s known for his Hawaiian shirts and 20-sided dice. By 1973, Gary Gygax was well established in the gaming community and co-founded the company TSR with the help of Dave Arenson, the eventual makers of D & D.

Those unfamiliar with Dungeons & Dragons may best know Gary Gygax by his appearance on Futurama. He was part of Al Gore’s Vice Presidential Action Rangers, along with Stephen Hawking, Nichelle Nichols, and Deep Blue.

I’ll remember them for filling those pre-teen days before I could even fathom taking to girls without a character sheet in my hands. And even though a did learn to talk to girls (albeit only a small bit), I’ll always have a warm spot for good ol’ pen and paper role playing games. Perhaps Gygax said it best himself, “I would like the world to remember me as the guy who really enjoyed playing games and sharing his knowledge and his fun pastimes with everybody else.”

Gygax died from a heart attack after many years of struggling with a heart condition. He was survived by 6 children. Arenson lost a long battle with cancer and is survived by his daughter and two grandchildren.