Wolf Gnards

‘Warcraft’ Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing ‘Warcraft’

The Onion really likes to rip on gamers First Close Range now World of World of War Craft. I mean, yes, I would totally play it, but does that make me a hot pocket eating loser?

I have a sneaking suspicion that answer is yes.

Your Hot Pocket Eating Gamer,
J. Douglas Musashi

I would totally play Close Range:

Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

I’m actually not very good at 1st person shooters. I usually just end up running around in circles and shooting my friends by mistake. So, I’m probably not the person you want in a gun fight, video or otherwise. A point blank video game is probably a little more my speed.

Steve Wozniak was booted off of Dancing with the Stars, and can finally leave behind the fast paced world of competitive dancing to return to his carefree life of a nerdionaire (nerd billionaire). Don’t feel bad for Woz though. America no longer has to suffer through Wozniak’s bad dancing and Wozniak can continue to swim in his money bin (3.6 billion worth). It’s a win/win situation. It looks like the twitter nation and mac users around the world just didn’t have enough pull to keep Steve Wozniak in the contest. And even though Woz is off of Dancing with the Stars, his legend lives on. And no I’m not talking about the iPhone or Apple Computer. His wireless hardware, Wheels of Zeus? Hardly. Steve Wozniak’s legacy is a gorilla in a red tie.

Steve Wozniak is, in fact, Donkey Kong. The facial similarities are too much to be ignored, but it’s not just the spot on looks. Woz’s friend and co-founder, Steve Jobs, dropped out of college to work for Atari. Atari would go on to license such games as Pac-Man and… Donkey Kong. Coincidence? It was Steve Jobs that got Wozniak in with Atari founder Nolan Bushnell. Before Apple was even a glimmer, Wozniak designed games for Atari such as Breakout. It’s easy to to see that Japan would take notice of Wozniak, his beard, his jowls, and his Breakout skills. In fact, Japanese game publisher Taito would go on to port Breakout as Arkanoid. They knew Wozniak existed and they went out of their way to copy without his permission.

Surely a meeting took place in Tokyo that went something like this: “Look at these upstart Americans moving in on video games with their body hair and man boobs… let us make him a monkey.” And so it was said and so it was done.

Apple went public in 1980. Donkey Kong was released by Nintendo in 1981. The computer industry was a small world in the 80’s. Were paths never crossed? When Donkey Kong creator Shigeru Miyamoto was trying to picture a “stupid and goofy” ape, how could his mind not wander to Steve Wozniak. Urban legend states that original names for Donkey Kong were Monkey Kong and Woz Kong.

While there’s no undisputed evidence that Donkey Kong is based of of Steve’s friendly grin if I was ever around Woz holding a barrel I would be prepared to jump.

Mario & Luigi’s last name has finally been revealed: Mario & Luigi Blagojevich. A new video game pits Rod Blagojevich against against the dreaded King Koopa and the Illinois senate. The game, Pay2Play, is an iPhone app and puts you in the hair of Governor Blagojevich in his final days in office. The goal of the game is to sell senate seats and cushy jobs before you get thrown out of office. Pay2Play was created by Juan Rubio’s for the iPhone, based on the drug-dealer strategy game DopeWars. The application is still pending approval by iPhone.

DopeWars is a fun little game, so I imagine Pay2Play will be much of the same. DopeWars though isn’t exactly Grand Theft Auto in terms of badass fun, and doesn’t really have much in the way of replay value. Once you have experienced the various paths the game offers there really isn’t much too it. One potential problem with the game is I’m not quite sure an iPhone has the computing power to harness the awesomeness of Rod Blagojevich’s pompadour.

Unil Blagojevich’s Pay2Play hits the application store (if it ever does) you can always amuse yourself with a little Super Obama World.