Wolf Gnards

The Real Hero of Raiders

I’d like to take a moment to mention perhaps the greatest movie archeologist/adventure of all time… Rene Belloq. You might be more familiar with Normandy Belloq, no, nothing? From Normandy Belloq and the Liberators of the Lost Ark played by Paul Freeman. Okay, some of you may remember Belloq as the other archeologist, the “evil” archeologist, from Raiders of the Lost Ark. However, the only reason Belloq is the bad guy is because we see him through Indiana Jones’s perspective, the reality is that Rene Belloq is the hero of the film, while Indiana Jones is the evil invader.

Let’s look at Belloq’s offenses:

1. Belloq stole the golden idol.
2. Belloq tried to seduce Marion Ravenwood.
3. Belloq helped the Nazi’s acquire the Ark of the Covenant.

Belloq Stole Indie’s Gold Idol

Yes, Indie did the leg work. Yes, Indiana Jones navigated his way through all the booby traps, jumped chasms, dodged poison darts, and out ran a giant boulder. Belloq most likely enjoyed a cool glass of lemonade at the time. But does that mean Indiana deserved the gold idol? The Indiana Jones school of archeology teaches, “It belongs in a museum.” He says it like 37 times throughout the series. Belloq, however, believes that history belongs to the people, not just the privileged college kids who can afford museums. Belloq was, in fact, working with the indigenous Hovitos people (the rightful owners of the idol) in order to keep the idol with the people it belonged to and away from grave robbers like Indiana Jones. It’s all perspective. Indie assumes Belloq is going to double cross the Hovitos, but we never actually see this. For all we know, Belloq handed it to idol over the the Hovitos chieftain right after Indie took off, and toasted the occasion with some tasty lemonade.

Belloq Seduced Marion

As far as I know, it’s not a crime to like the same girl as someone else, just because Indie called dibs doesn’t mean Belloq is some sort of scoundrel. Belloq brought Marion food, brought her a nice dress, and shared several dozen drinks with her. And the most important thing of all, he kept Marion alive. If Belloq hadn’t taken an interest in her, the Nazi’s would have killed her. Belloq did everything in his power to make sure Marion was comfortable, cared for… and alive. Indiana, on the other hand, abandoned her 4 times in the film (once at bar, once at the market, once in the desert, and once on the boat), and at least once before the film ever began, breaking the poor girl’s heart. Yet, she still chose Indiana, and Belloq had those dreamy blue eyes.

Belloq Helped Nazis

Nazis are a very convenient enemy because they are taken as being inherently evil. You don’t need back story, you don’t need motivation, we’re just supposed to assume they’re evil and everyone associated with them are evil. This makes it very okay to mow them down in large numbers. Let’s remember though that Belloq is French and France would later be occupied by the Third Reich. We don’t know the exact relationship he had with Nazi Germany, perhaps they threatened his family or his homeland. We don’t know Belloq’s exact motivation, but should we assume it’s because he’s a big Hitler fan? And yes, Belloq did aid the Nazis by heading their dig, by heading a terrible dig, slowly digging in the wrong spot. Belloq did whatever it took to keep the Ark of the Covenant out of Nazi hands. It was his idea to open the ark on a far off island instead of Berlin. He even gave Indiana Jones a chance to blow the ark up, which would have been great, it kept the ark away from the Nazi and everyone survives. Instead, Belloq had to sacrifice his own life in order to kill the Nazis and save humanity, all while Indiana Jones sat safely tied to a post with his eyes closed.

Is Indiana Jones only a hero because the title has his name in it? Given the right circumstances, the right perspective, can the even the villain be the hero?

Where have all the mullets gone? In the 80’s, mullets made us happy when we were sad, they cherished us when we were alone, they made us laugh, they made us cry. When there was only one set of foot prints in the sand… why that’s when the mullets were carrying us, of course. But where are the mullets now and where did the mullets even come from?

Mullets have largely become a tragic punchline. We devote websites to mullet jokes and we laugh at stray mullets on the street. This is a haircut relegated to hockey moms, Canadians, and hipsters (who only mullet ironically), so where has the history gone? Where is the majesty of the mullet? Let’s look back to when men were men and men wore mullets.

Fashion Mullet

The term mullet can be traced back to the early 90’s made popular by the Beastie Boys song “Mullet Head.” However, the mullet is far older, for the first mullet we need to go back to a time when a mullet was risky and dangerous – the 70’s. This fashion friendly proto-mullet can be attributed to none other than David Bowie. Redneck’s do not spend nearly enough time worshiping at the feet of David Bowie. He wanted to look like a fashionable gay alien from the future and no haircut conveyed this message quite like the mullet. The mullet let him embrace his feminine side without being all the way gay, and isn’t that what fashion is all about? So, to all you mullet heads out there, the reason you look so douchey is because David Bowie and glam rockers wanted to look more like girls… it’s a fact, deal with it. Other mullet trailblazers include Paul McCartney and Florence Henderson.

Action Mullet

As the mullet grew less and less fashionable, it went to where all good haircuts go to die: Australia. The hairstyle was picked up by most Australian Rules football players and found new life with their #1 son, Mel Gibson. Gibson then brought this hairstyle back with him to the Lethal Weapon film series and the Action Mullet was born. As a rule action hero could kill as many people as he wanted as long as A) they were all bad and B) they did it with a mullet. Most action stars of the 80’s and 90’s, at least, flirted with the mullet (if not outright married it): Kurt Russell, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, Kevin Costner, and Patrick Swayze all sported mullets. Most action mullets were shaved or slicked on the side with a nice bushel of hair in the back, this is partying in the back with extreme prejudice. But the person who best represents the action mullet is Richard Dean Anderson and MacGyver. MacGyver was the “thinking man’s hero,” so it’s counterintuitive to lump him with the machine gun wielding He-men (He-Man… another mullet), but that’s exactly why. MacGyver was a sensitive hero with a sensitive haircut, so why show Van Damme’s character crying or Stallone rescuing a kitten, when it’s so much easier to give him a sensitive haircut? Why waste exposition when hair can do all the work for you? The action mullet essentially softens the macho man’s personality with a haircut. Killer in the front, guy with deep feelings in the back.

Lush Mullet

The lush mullet is everything we think of in a classic mullet. Lush mullets are hair cuts that don’t actually get cut. If you put off enough haircuts eventually you’re going to end up with a mullet. This is the hairstyle that simultaneously says you don’t care and you care a whole lot, because it takes heavy styling to be that casual. This is the hair in the 90’s for anyone desperate to look cool, and who probably went to their barber and said, “I want to look… what do the kids say? Cool?” Popular with pop stars: George Michael and Richard Marx. Funny men: Bill Murray and Jerry Seinfeld (a mini-mullet). And even today’s older movie stars: Tom Hanks and Nic Cage, anyone? An overgrown mullet being the perfect haircut to cover any plastic surgery scars (wink, wink). A young George Clooney fits in here, but the most famous lush mullet being Full House’s Uncle Jesse… a man desperate to look cool to his preteen nieces. Uncle Jesse worked the mullet until a very special episode marked the end of a generation.

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If you’re anything like myself then you’ve always dreamed of being slimed. As a boy I rolled around in any stick, semi-viscous substance I could get my roll into, said “I don’t know” to questions I knew the answers to, and taunted every spook, spectre, or ghost that came my way. But what are the side effects and consequences of being slimed? Is it just wacky fun or something more sinister?

With being slimed by a ghost there are two different scenarios to consider: either you are being run over by a ghost or run through by a ghost. In the original Ghostbusters, we never actual see the details of Peter Venkman’s sliming incident. Peter screams, Slimer charges, Ray runs and discoverers Venkman sprawled on the ground. And his very survival could depend on how he was slimed.

Slimer Knocks Over Peter Venkman

This is the most basic of the sliming techniques. A ghost takes a solid corporeal form, and literally barrels over you. The slime simply wipes off the ghost and onto the ghostbuster as it passes by. It’s like getting tackled, but gooier, or a little more like wiping snot on passerby. Side effects are minimum: expect some light bruising, swelling, and redness around the slimed area, and you should be back on your feet within minutes.

Slimer is Inside of Peter Venkman

This form of sliming is a little less predictable. The ghost phases through your body, so its molecules pass through your molecules and commingle with those molecules… a supernatural fiesta if you will. Unfortunately, we know from the puddle on the wall that a slimer leaves a trail of slime residue in its wake, this means it’s leaving slime inside you. You’re not only covered in slime on the outside, but your internal organs are covered in slime as well. So far, it’s hard to tell what the effects of slime is on the human body. If ectoplasm is anything like regular human plasma though, the side effects could be the same as getting a bad blood transfusion. A severe hemolytic reaction could occur causing red blood cells to start to clump together with ghost blood cells and clog the arteries of your heart. Internal sliming side effects can cause heart attack, stroke, or death. At the very least, internal sliming would be the equivalent of injecting yourself with HI-C Ecto Cooler, which could cause a rapid heart rate and headaches.

Since, Peter Venkman didn’t suffer a heart attack or any STD’s (Spiritually Transmitted Diseases), we can assume none of the ectoplasm got into his blood stream. The fact that he was laying on his back suggests being knocked over, but his attitude suggests something more went on… giggity.

However, it brings up the question if ghosts are so deadly then why aren’t they phasing through everyone. Well, not every ghosts leaves ectoplasm trails. It could also be an ability unique to a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class 5 full roaming vapor.

Our friends at the Masters of None Podcast ask:
Why did Bernie (from Weekend at Bernie’s) never rot or start to smell?

Let’s take a look at the stages of death, shall we…

Decomposition begins the second the heart stops beating, but actual rotting—as in falling off the bone tenderness—shouldn’t happen for about a week. Dead body smells happen pretty fast and in that warm weather Hampton environment, probably even faster. Still a dead body takes around 24 hours to get a nice beefy rotting smell going. Unless they refrigerated Bernie or embalmed him at some point, he would be working up quite a stink by day 2. The trick of the movie though is the title of the film, a weekend with Bernie suggests two, maybe, even three days with Bernie, or a 72 hour period. The reality of the film, however, is they only spend 24 hours with a dead Bernie corpse. Bernie died late Saturday afternoon/evening (lethal injection), they spend the night with the corpse sitting at the party, then the next day running away from the mob, until Bernie died again the following evening (shot). The title should be “One Day at Bernie’s.”

So, we can say emphatically that the film Weekend at Bernie’s does not stink (from his corpse rotting, at least). Meaning the movie could have theoretically missed the smell window, or did not go on long enough for the smell to be noticed. However, there are still some minor issues with hauling around a dead body. Rigor mortis would have been at full stiff tilt within 12 hours, making madcap hijinks the next day highly unlikely. And after 4 hours, blood would pool giving him purplish skin, in fact, his hands would turn blue after 30 minutes, making it hard to pass Bernie off as a tan and happening party goer. Plus Bernie was submerged in water twice throughout the film, which would have made him a bloated, purple mess by the final scene.

And perhaps most importantly, Bernie would have released his bowels mere minutes after death. And remember Bernie was wearing the same outfit the entire time, the same soiled pants for an entire day. So, Bernie does smell, but like shit, not like death. There really needed to be a scene of Andrew McCarthy wiping Bernie’s ass with a wet nap, doing a load of laundry, or scrubbing away brown trails through the entire summer home.

In passing a stiff, bloated, purple, poo covered corpse off as being alive, the rotting smell is the least of Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman’s problems.

Everyone’s doing it. No, one’s watching, the coast is clear, go ahead, do it. Get up on that beach stump, raise up your knee, and strike your best karate bird pose. It’s human nature (or is bird nature)… if you’re at the beach and you see a stump, you’re going to try the crane kick. It’s no use trying to deny it, it’s what we do. Yet early reports say that the new Karate Kid film has gotten rid of the crane kick… how can this be? How can they get rid of the single greatest fake martial arts move in history. Every fight I have ever been in has involved a well timed crane kick at some point (also with that song “You’re the Best” playing in my head). If do right, no can defend, but how does the crane kick from The Karate Kid work?

The Four Parts of a Successful Crane Kick

Misdirection
The first part of the Crane Kick is simple misdirection. Your foe is busy looking at you fluttering your hands in the air, then he sees the knee, and thinks, “What’s this guy up to? Is he going to slap me, is he going to knee me, tickle fight? I don’t know?” Which means he is completely missing the leg you’re standing on, i.e. the deadly foot.

A variation also known as the modified crane kick involves jazz heads. This move goes like so: jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands, KICK. An almost unstable fighting style, this is why Jackie Chan got his start as a dancer, and was the original choice for the lead in Footloose (in my mind, at least. I just insert Jackie Chan into most movie roles).

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Ridiculous problems deserve equally if not more ridiculous solutions. If an asteroid is barreling toward the Earth, the only sane answer is to send untrained deep sea oil drillers into space to blow it apart (and not to blow it into smithereens but into two equally sized pieces that will barely miss the planet much like Larry blocking Moe’s eye poke). There is almost nothing I’m not willing to buy about the movie Armageddon.

Liv Tyler going 18-years on an oil rig filled with desperate and lonely men and never getting raped. Bought it. Ben Affleck going 18 minutes on an oil rig without being stabbed. Bought it. Super experimental spaceships. The Russian space station with artificial gravity and enough rocket laying around for two spaceships. Slingshotting around the moon. A mole-man like super drilling machine. Bought it. Bought it. Bought it. Bought it. I was fine with landing on an asteroid, drilling on an asteroid, and taking off from an asteroid. Sounded like one hell of a genius/retard plan.

Part of this was because Billy Bob Thornton does a first rate job of making this ridiculous plan sound absolutely plausible, most likely because like so many scientist out there he’s a folksy down home kind of scientist. Pretty much Foghorn Leghorn with a degree from MIT. “This here asteroid is what we call in mah neck of the woods a global killer, I sah, I sah.” The plan was fine, the whole blowing up a giant asteroid from the inside is like blowing up your fingers with an M-80, cool with it. It’s the execution of the plan and this impossibly huge asteroid that I have a problem with.

Deep Impact hit theaters 2 months before and had a comet that was 6 miles long… How do you make Armageddon better? Make a bigger asteroid. How much bigger? How about the size of Texas. First, the size of Texas (or any state really) is not really an acceptable unit of measurement, that’s like saying my house is the size of a 10000 glasses of water. What does an asteroid the size of Texas really mean? Is it as heavy as Texas, the same volume as Texas, as long as Texas? Texas is 790 miles long and 773 miles wide, which would make for one hell of a giant asteroid and really questions how we could miss a small moon heading right for us. I assume the asteroid has the same surface area as Texas, meaning 268,820 square miles. Given the asteroid’s spherical shape, it would have a radius of 150 miles or a length of 300 miles. However, the asteroid is more oblong, so it probably has a length of 450 miles with a width of 150 miles. Still a hell of a big asteroid (take that Deep Impact), and that’s the problem. The drilling concept was fine, but given the size of the asteroid it would have failed.

Bruce Willis and his rag tag crew only had to drill 800 ft into the asteroid. 800 ft barely cracks the surface of an asteroid hundreds of miles wide. At the most, planting a nuclear device in a hole that shallow would caused a giant crater, but it would not have broken the asteroid apart. The only way this would have worked was if the asteroid was flat and only a few 1000 ft thick, giving it a nice potato chip like outline, or something resembling the Phantom Zone from Superman II.

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